Love and marriage (and death and ended relationships)

 

"In regards to long time friendships: If your long time friend moves on, distances or just lives a new life, we must RADICALLY ACCEPT it. It hurts, we emotionally don't understand (especially if there's no conversation about it... you just guess and guess and hang on) it just hurts you. It causes unessesary suffering. It's painful, yes. But there's no need to suffer. Open your hands, palms up and say, "I radically accept that so and so has moved on and it has nothing to do with me." It's more freeing than hurting constantly. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO SUFFER!" a quote from one of my sister's long term buddies and I needed to hear it.

I spent hours on the phone last night with an old super close friend wherein we HAD to end it. Both of us being crazy as loons Melody with schizoaffective disorder marked by bipolar. We had just both of us gone through about 3 years of near deadly trauma. I lost my mom (which was expected) then my fiance (wholly unexpected and took all of us by surprise and basically ended my future plans). She had just lost her father to Alzheimers which was particularly painful for her as he had continued to be her hero lifelong and Alzheimers a horrid disease to have to deal with for family and friends. Plus I had one of my best buddies, Thomas, just up and split on me 3 months after RD (real name of fiance but not gonna give it fully plus he is dead and not going to suffer for me using his real name) passed after us talking on and off all day everyday for 3 years or so. I HAD been too dependent on him and he had failed to warn me that I was causing him distress - merely said I am whinny - I complain too much which still blows my mind as who is not complainy after losing a fiance 3 days after him asking me about marriage and buying a 3rd home maybe maybe not selling our individual homes and discussing wills, taxes and the future. He wished to retire at 62 which didn't seem unreasonable as a job as a long haul trucker is a pretty tough one - too high stress, too much time sitting, too much time alone. Even with all that he had been good at eating well, exercising, taking meds correctly etc and strong as an ox! It just came as such a complete surprise. I am so happy I had met him and we had fallen in love .... well we called each other soul twins not soul mates in that we had an unbelievable amount in common. People reassure me that he is waiting for me and that he wanted not to leave and one medium said I haven't long to wait to be with him which is a sort of dire thing to say. Several folks have claimed to see him near me always over my left shoulder and it is trippy as I have zero experience with ghosts. I have gotten feelings from him and heard him clearing his throat but nothing more and not even sure that wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me which it is decidedly good at doing. But Thomas had been a HUGE part of my support system so that him not supporting me thru the loss of RD was JUST as traumatic even though we had truly just been friends - it was a kinda odd situation but it had worked for both of us up until RD passed!!

Anyway Melody and I ended poorly with her thinking I manipulated all kinds of stuff that I just plain didn't. And me telling her she is hurting me physically cuz the stress of taking on her problems on top of mine was dangerously raising my BP and other PTSD type symptoms that I was getting just at the thought of her because of a number of reasons not super important. I bring her up cuz she is on my mind constantly and I feel awful about the situation. We are not only not helpful to each other currently we are causing each other damage but of course it is all my fault LOL. God forbid it be what actually happened which is we are both beaten down by enormous losses coming too close together both of us being literally certified insane and the combo being an untenable situation for me anyway and now I do believe she quite literally hates me which is SUCH a shame when I had tried so very hard to make her life not quite so difficult but was not only not successful I do believe I caused things to be worse for her but certainly not on purpose but me deluding myself into thinking I was being helpful when I was not. Now how's that for a run on sentence LOL.

This blog will need to be massively edited to create the autobiography and why I am bothering with blogging is to get used to being consistent about writing and to practice writing and to probe my memory as best I can before sitting down to actually write the book. Also I truly could die any time here and I wish to get this out first. Ok But she also had been a HUGE part of my support system and so losing all the main players in my life just in the last few years has been like getting hit by a Mack Truck. I am so incredibly traumatized by all this going down so back to back to back yet oddly I find all this silence in terms that I am a genuine hermit and had only these folks as regular players (there a couple others who I am super close with my sis and my bff Jolene of course but who are both SUPER busy so haven't time for me). But as I was saying it is odd and not terribly bad to find myself almost completely and utterly alone in comparison to what had been a relatively good amount of interaction and finding that I am actually better off on my own minus of course RD who I truly had intended on spending the rest of my life with and who was a cause of happiness in my life not drama but easy to get along with and rational and highly motivated and just a SUPER good person to have as a lover or husband - I hadn't yet fully thought out the marriage plan but the very day I told my sis RD and I were thinking marriage and buying a home together was the very day he died.

I guess that all was pretty much a jumble but I shall straighten it out in the end LOL.

Vision at 6 and sexual orientation at 7

(I am the red head - dyed obviously - naturally a blond, now gone white)

  When I was 6 I had a vision of sorts of what my life would be like as an adult.  Where it came from is unknown to me as it had info that just wasn't available to me that young in it.  I was to be a monk in a cave that had herbs hanging to dry from the ceiling and I created medicines for my people and I dispensed advise to folks.  In the "vision" I was a hermit and folks ONLY came to me for advice or medicine and not for social reasons.  In my vision people would travel far to do so.  So to my child brain I was pretty darn powerful and successful at this.  Well by the time I was even 10 that idea of what my life would be like I no longer even believed in.  Rather at 10 I was thinking I would be a famous singer LOL.  And by the time I was about 13 I had fully bought the american dream (2.5 kids, house, two car garage, picket fence, thriving career, two week vacation a year, yada yada yada) as what my future would be like and I knew not which career I would choose but was on board working hard and playing hard and being successful at such and that is what I started working towards and nearly achieved.  

Yet here I am a hermit who does aromatherapy and herbalism but who dispenses it to no one (save in soap lotions salves and other bath products) but myself as I don't trust myself enough to treat others' diseases despite the fact that I am actually trained - literally at a school - in aromatherapy.  I just think one should have a firm grasp on how to diagnose a person before one dispenses any kind of medicine (essential oils are so powerful that using them is rather risky) so I only use the herbs and essential oils on me (well I treated my mom for cracked lips with a balm that had highly antibacterial and antiviral essential oils in addition to high end fats and things like lecithn to help with dry and cracking lips as well as lotions for dry skin and an antibacterial room spray - she suffered from schleraderma - rheumatoid problem and I have fibromyalgia and had had lupus for about a decade before it magically went away which is supremely lucky as I had been unable to walk without a walker the pain in my joints so severe but now can walk about 20 minutes sans the walker without too terribly much pain , but after that still tons of pain but the lupus has cleared from my blood so not sure what is going on and no dr seems able to figure it out either).  

In the vision too I knew who was Gandhi and I wished to emulate him as an adult and have been all about nonviolence my entire life (despite actually hitting a couple folks LOL - still the value system I fully am on board with so that when I have been attacked the vast majority of the time I have not fought back - but not 100% of the time so to me while I fully believe nonviolence is the way to go I am hardly perfect at it and nowhere near as influential or creative in problem solving as Gandhi obviously LOL  - we need another guy or gal like that to come along rather badly right now!!!)  But how would I even know what monks do or about being a hermit and herbalism or Gandhi at age 6?  There was nothing remotely like that on TV back that long ago where we only had like 5 channels and there was not stuff like that on any show and while I could read they were children's books mostly that young and my parents hadn't said anything about herbalism - my dad didn't even do that but did grow herbs for cooking so where came all this info??

Much later in life I witnessed a guy in a wheelchair having an enlightenment experience - it was plain as day - all the sudden his face lit up and he was able to walk and talk and he said I was meant to be a nun and I understood him perfectly - he meant that I was not to marry and that my main focus was to be spirituality not that I am to become a literal nun plus I caught a tad of that experience (which it is not unusual for folks to catch a bit of the experience when someone near them physically is having an enlightenment experience and why it has been throughout history that people are very moved by someone in that state - I used to have a notebook with the names of folks who had these experiences - they are rather rare - and poetry they had written etc like Joan of Arc for instance had a few enlightenment experiences - anyway I could kick myself for losing it!!!)  he was having and it was plain he wasn't trying to be rude or that he was out of his head or anything like that.  He wasn't even trying to convince me rather he was just reminding me of that and trying to be helpful.

Well and at 7 I knew that I was bi and I ardently believe people are born with their sexual identity and orientation in place - ie: one doesn't choose to be straight or gay or trans as who in their right mind would choose to be something that is soooo stigmatized (but exists in every culture known to man) and will cause them so much distress the rest of their lives.  Being bi for a female isn't a terribly compromised position as say being a man and gay or bi but I did live with a girlfriend for 13 years and we did encounter a bit of nastiness here and there from folks - most especially from my own family which I was just furious with about.  For instance my sister didn't wish her kids to know that I was bi and my mother flat out refused to take Sheila with us on vacation and not because she didn't like her but because it would be confusing to my sister's kids - which to this day to me is outrageous and wrong headed but it is what it is.  I created a facebook page just so that I could be myself without discrimination from my own family and it is still going strong now just shy of 10,000 page likes (not post reactions mind which is in the 100s of thousands).  

 

Notes on my Notes

 Ya know I haven't been thinking well critically either.  So maybe it was just age with my parents - they didn't have us til my mom was 30 and my dad 32 and then for my sis 33 and 35 so by the time I was a teen they were mid to late 40s - you'd think they'd be in their prime.  Also one therapist pointed out that my mom's level of denial is indicative of her having been a victim in the past and that I was unaware of it simply cuz being her child it wouldn't be appropriate.  Both my parents were much of the time silent - which is wise - I am not tho so there you have it I am not wise LOL.  So when I comment on personality disorders or anything for that matter ... well I am being honest but one should only take away from this what is useful to oneself and not focus on anything that seems less than fully thought out (also personality disorders include narcissism and psychopathic PD and sociopathic PD which many are criminal or otherwise don't think there is anything wrong with them so PDs cover a rather broad area so a few comments are almost meaningless on that) or even if you don't care to deal with whatever the subject happens to be - if ever it should become something you've an interest in then it can always be revisited and not just by yourself but multiple not a single source and of course throw some real science in there (if you can find legit stuff - ie:  alot of what is written online is bs - so called experts writing on stuff they haven't the first clue about - found that out trying to research aromatherapy - took going to a school to find out the vast majority of stuff on that subject written online is opinion - and not good ones - and sometimes hugely dangerously bad info not just misinformation but stuff that can cause you harm and so I suggest taking the free course at the very least at aromaticstudies.com if you ever want to get into that plus know upfront alot of what you may wish to use is toxic to your pets - just a word of warning :) like do not use baking soda spiked with lavender or citrus essential oils if you have pets to deoderize your carpets - course the stuff with man engineered chemicals in them may be just as bad - stick with like idk rosemary I think is fine for most pets but not basil or winter savory or sage ...well a bunch LOL and not easy info to find either which are ok for pets and which not - as far as I am aware burning white ceremonial sage is not toxic to pets tho the essential oil you have to be super careful with even with humans who are accustomed to eating it every thanksgiving.... well American humans anyways LOL)  

Ok back to story telling LOL.  They are true stories tho and so it is anxiety provoking to write about them but I figured I just got to get it out there in the hopes it may somehow, someday help someone.  I am feeling my life was/is a huge mistake (but my perceptions change with my mood which changes often so sometimes I think I am here for very good reasons LOL) - I guess my way of contributing has to be artistic in nature as a job is clean out of the question even a volunteer job is iffy - they need be ok with me just taking off randomly with little to no advance notice and/or working my own hours - or otherwise them just being ok with me showing up to help when I can.  Some folks might be like why not just enjoy all that free time - it isn't so simple especially having no one to care for..... well if you read what I wrote on working that is a huge part of why but also it is difficult having experienced so much negative stuff to motivate myself when only myself is at stake - now why care for others more?  Ask any woman!  LOL  We are notorious care takers LOL.... like almost to the point where we all should attend CODA for a while to get out of our heads the notion we should take care of others first when that is backasswards thinking.    Clearly, logically if one cannot care for oneself one cannot competently care for others but it goes deeper than that somehow.  I have seen men at CODA (co-dependents anonymous) meetings but women way out number them.  As far as I am concerned everyone should live according to Big Book (AA handbook) principles - they are simple and clean and well stated and just really good rules to live by (I am not referring to the steps - the book outlines a way of living that is highly intelligent and ethical) - a most exceptional book!  I think even children should have to read it and it is alot shorter and less complicated than any religious documents which are super difficult to get folks to agree on and hugely complicated.

Ok done with notes on my notes LOL

  

An Ego the size of Texas (if you haven't heard they DO big there)

When I turned 17 my mom insisted I see a shrink (psychiatrist).  She, having worked with them long term, was aware they don't give serious diagnoses nor medication to those under 17 otherwise I likely would have seen them sooner.  She, the shrink that is, diagnosed me bipolar.  I disagreed with the diagnosis so saw another shrink and he came back at me with the same answer.  So for the first couple years I fought with them as to whether that diagnosis was correct.  I had them do an MMPI test on me and it came back as bipolar.  Shoot it is a darn good thing I wasn't diagnosed one of the other things I thought more likely, like schitzotypal or borderline personality disorders, as it turns out personality disorders are almost not treatable - there are no meds that I am aware of that treat personality disorders which are basically character flaws so bad they make it hard to work or have successful relationships.  But usually symptoms are somewhat treatable so they would likely prescribe some anti-anxiety medicine or perhaps an antidepressant if they were suffering which one would being unable to work or have successful relationships so still one would send them to a shrink - nevertheless long term rehabilitation/recovery is kinda out - although with most folks who have bipolar 1 with psychotic features recovery is pretty much out as well.  And we all can progress of course.  I am certainly not saying one is doomed if diagnosed with a personality disorder just that it is gonna be a battle which most mental illnesses are anyway (one CAN fully recover from major depression and there are of course success stories for folks with any mental illness - we're all snow-flakes afterall - referring here to uniqueness not lack of courage LOL).

Funny thing, my mother had been an occupational therapist who worked with addicts and alcoholics.  Tis funny because my father was a drunk who died of alcoholism.  I remember sooo many dirty looks exchanged between him and her in the morning as he poured a glass about 2/3rds full of vodka and 1/3rd full of OJ for breakfast - tis both hilarious and not at all something to laugh at!!  My poor dad HAD to have either depression or bipolar.  My family thinks not but one has to be self-medicating to drink the amount that he did.  He would follow that breakfast by working (he was a very functional alcoholic) then at lunch a bottle of wine and in the afternoon a 6 pack of beer and then in the evening a 5th of bourbon sometimes more - basically until he passed out.  I can fully appreciate why he did that and have understood him all along and carry no resentment about it as I related to him more than anyone else in our small family.  He was largely silent but I could make him scream at me.  My sis and mom were constantly telling me to stop arguing with someone who is drunk and they were right - likely he didn't remember telling me he could not believe I had come from the seed of his loins I was such a stupid slut.  I don't recall what we were arguing about but it wasn't my IQ nor my sex life (I never got old enough to discuss those things with him over a beer as he died when I was only 25 and just google it yourself if you don't believe me but women are not fully mature until about age 35 and men not until about 45 yet they die earlier so we only get them a short time grrrr - like every parent has said life just isn't fair - but arguable if you believe in things like karma) - still I will likely not ever forget those words.

My father had been an interior designer for hotels/restaurants (he had a degree in architecture which is required for designers but not interior decorators and owned his own business which was pretty successful - we certainly never wanted for anything).  I worked for him my 19th year as a sort of secretary/assistant and how I know his drinking  schedule.  I doubt my sis or my mom knew just HOW MUCH he actually drank but it was from when you get up to when you go to bed and despite having many hobbies (in addition to the rabbits and quail and garden and yogurt and preserves and jellies etc etc he also hunted, camped, liked to fish, he played around with stuff in his garage which we being girls weren't taught a thing about tools and not  allowed to go into the back of the garage only the front laundry area but you name it in terms of boy stuff he did it.  He was an artist too.  Somewhere there HAS GOT to be a self-portrait of his which was so unique he used it almost like a signature - of course no one thought to keep one he did it so often.  He dabbled in carpentry, painting, all things artsy I guess.  He made beer not very well and wine not half bad - I actually had parties as a teen where my parents either provided alcohol or just pretended they were unaware we drank all his wine.  One guy actually passed out in the back yard and was there the next morning!  Oh ya they were super strict LOL  Funny cuz they would seem the kind of parents that would be but looking back they just were out to lunch or i don't know what - not thinking critically very well despite them both being quite bright.  By that I mean they were conservative not just politically but dress-wise and mannerisms and all kinds of ways - people might think they were a bit uptight - maybe they were still tired from raising me - my sis actually thanks me for teaching her how not to go about life/things.  I taught her what to avoid and she has done an amazing job avoiding any kind of misadventure, an RN with 4 kids, lovely hubby and lives herself most conservatively although unlike my parents while not strict definitely waaaay more so than my parents.  They are just more overall aware which maybe she can thank me for that too LOL  (This is going to be the most egotistical work on the planet it is looking like hahahaha.)

why work is soooo important

(Paintings of mine)

Ok as lovely as Drake is I am going to flip the switch and change direction.  I somehow started working at age 15.  I had to get school permission but it also gave me credit for it.  I guess my mom drove me.  I wonder at people all the time as to how do they do so much!!  Now I have time but nothing to do which is the worst case scenario.  People think folks take advantage of welfare (which is not what I am on but follow me here) but these people haven't the foggiest notion what they are doing to themselves if they are indeed taking advantage of the system.  First off let's just look at stats:  90 something percent of folks born poor die poor.  Same is true for middle class and rich folks..  We learn this stuff soooo young that there isn't much chance of changing one's viewpoint.  If you grow up hearing how this is the best way of getting by then it isn't going to change when someone years later points out that this is illogical - even if they agree with you logically as we don't make our decisions based on logic like people think we do - rather our decisions are made by our mammalian brain which is what houses mostly emotions  - they aren't going to understand it based on the cognitive disonance it's going to create in one's head.   Read BEHAVE by Robert Sapolski - he goes over the neurobiology plus it is an excellent source book and highly entertaining as the man is very humorous and he has a great reputation has been around since I was in college 30+ years ago and a relatively easy read for laymen.  

Working doesn't just supply one with money which is almost but not quite tangential (logically anyway communism should work and it's a lovely notion but we haven't seen it be successful largely due to greed).  It supplies you with sooo many rewards the list is too long to tell of them all but let's just start with the fact that working will help you sleep at night because you will be tired.  It provides you with some socialization without which people lose their minds - quite literally.  If one has never earned their way then one doesn't reach any kind of satisfaction that will lead to self-actualization so that one is taking themselves out of the whole purpose of even being here.  So we're talking on every level from the smallest thing (as if sleep is no big deal) to the whole point of life and everything in between.  If you never learned this from having seen it then one may not even be able to understand my last statement even on a logical much less an emotional level.

So when people get angry at the system for either not helping enough - it would be a good thing to require training and placing people in jobs as one receives the money until that time then stop the money and let them either swim or sink because that is going to happen anyway.  Or when people complain the government is providing too much help - the question is not how much money to give out but rather does that in any way help as a good case can be made that it actually hinders folks in life not helps them (teach a man to fish don't give them fish - it's fairly simple actually).

 

Before I became so  bloody ill/disabled I FULLY appreciated being able to cash a paycheck - it feels good - it is highly satisfactory.  I had been able to work and support myself long enough that I got a good taste of that and I miss it so horribly that I have trouble now having gone so long without it knowing the value of a dollar.  Well and learning that one is good at something even without getting paid is itself hugely satisfactory in that it is the basis for self-respect, confidence, ability to learn and grow... I could go on ad neaseum on this.  Bottom line is it is silly to blame these folks as they are a product of their dna plus environment - as much as we think we have free will it IS limited by one's world view in that if you can't see an option it isn't really there.

All of the above might be a bit much to take in at once if you don't immediately understand and agree then come back to this later and re-read it. ( Please??!!!)

The end with Drake

OK back tracking again.  When Drake and I were about 14/15 we went roller skating darn near every weekend.  My sister tagged along and I had no issue with that and Drake was very kind to my little sis and the fact that she still loves him today as do I is testiment to how great we think this man is.  Anyway there was always at least one break in the skating to dance and we always caught a crowd watching us (mostly him) break dancing as he was really good at it spinning round and round on his head LOL.  It was a crazy way to dance - still is - more like a sport as it requires lots of practice and skill to do.  We even tried out for a commercial once but didn't make it in - still it was grand fun.  Later when I had my car we would go do the same but on Hollywood Blvd and then no my little sister wasn't with us and we stayed out late and again just lots of fairly clean fun.  

One time he and Carine and I went to the drive in movies with the thought of a three way and we did just that but I think Drake got a bit jealous (and me frankly a little annoyed) that Carine paid more attention to me than him by quite a lot.  But that was fun too - probably alcohol was involved.  I could buy alcohol without a problem because I started looking like an adult when just a child and by the time 14 could easily pass for 18 and while the law was one could only buy if over 21 many gas stations and minimarts in Los Angeles weren't so strict about the law - but that was rather quite a long time ago.  

Drake remembers us breaking up a bunch of times and me being fit to be tied at him dating other women but I haven't any memory of that.  To me we were vastly contented with each other although we did have some mighty big rows - we were kids after all and I started manifesting mental illness at 9 months of age (I never slept basically - I could walk, talk and get out of my crib by that time without help and I would knock on their door - which they put an extra lock on just because of me and my ability to get in - until about 2am then sleep at the door on the floor until about 6am only to start banging on the door again plus I took zero naps - poor things.  I asked my mother before she died when she knew I was different and she sweetly said she knew I was special from the day I was born LOL - she might have been the denial queen but she was mighty witty).  

I will likely never forget the time i pissed him off so bad he threatened suicide then scared the pants off me because somewhere in the house I heard the gun go off.  I threw up then ran around looking for him.  I guess he just shot into the air as he hadn't a mark on him and I was too relieved to be angry at him anymore or at least not near as much anyway.  We went through all kinds of stuff during our 5 years together and I was stupid enough to leave this man because I had slightly outgrown him psychologically/mentally at 18 and also was looking to have some fun in college.  I basically left because I could not listen to one more minute of what I considered conspiracy theory - but I'd bet money he outgrew that stage where he was obsessed with that within a year - if only I had waited him out.  Oh well.  Love you Drake!!  Hands down the healthiest I have ever been both mentally and physically and the happiest I have been so consistently were the years I was with him.

Drake and I and break dancing

 

(painting of mine)

I met Drake when I was 13.  I don't recall how we met - very likely at the ranch although I have no specific memory of him riding horses.  We didn't go to the same school nor did we live in the same neighborhood but for me at least it was love straight out of the gate.  I don't even recall breaking up with Roland but we must have or maybe I did to be with Drake.  In any case we had THE most fun and he was SUCH a generous lover (I was sexualized at a very young age so that it is not very unusual that I would be interested in that part of me being loved instead of abused).  I lost my virginity more technically to him not Mr Darning at age 14.  That was kinda funny in that right afterwards (but not before LOL) I worried about pregnancy and he gave me one of his sisters' douches (which if I had had a proper education I would have known you use it before not after sex if you're looking to avoid pregnancy and I didn't know how to use it and ended up a mess calling for Drake's help which he was kind enough to not laugh at me as he was at least somewhat more experienced than I and maybe even by a long shot - we never discussed his prior sex life that I recall).  He seemed anyway to know what he was doing and I fully trusted him - we had been together a year before we decided to "go there".  But after that I became uncaring if I got pregnant and we had sex regularly without any kind of birth control.  

His family was a good bit different than mine in that he was allowed to do just about anything he wished without so much as asking or even informing his parents as to what he was up to. One time when we were about 16 we went camping the good old fashioned way meaning no toilets no water no premade up camp ground but rather we hiked in water and supplies deep into the Sakoia Mountains where the trees are humongous and it was absolutely beautiful and we only saw one other couple the entire week we were there.  We spent a lot of time at this one area in the river where the rocks were smooth from having water constantly running over them and we slid on them like slides at a pool and there were also these mini whirl pools where the water had dug into the rock deep and made holes that caused the water to swirl around them and was so much fun being twirled around while standing in them - we did a lot of it nude LOL.  Funny Drake like any boy/man felt it his duty to care for my safety and he brought a 38 in case of bears was his excuse but we saw no bears while there or if we did I don't recall it - he didn't even use the gun so we were never in any real danger.  Well except there were signs all over saying do not feed the squirrels as they carried the plague of all things (I wonder if they still do). 

It was all a big adventure and just lovely sitting at night by the fire eating and watching the stars and making love under them.  One of the best times of my life.  He was kind and intelligent and funny and cute and just rocked my world.  And so the years went by - at first he would ride a dirt bike the 7 miles to my house to see me every single day impressing my whole family.  Even my dad who could be a serious ass when he wished to be finally fell in love with Drake as did my sis and my mom.  He later spent much time staying the night in the guest room (which of course we used copiously LOL).  He was a fabulous break dancer.  He could jump right over me standing up straight.  We went to every dance my school held which were quite a lot and I still have the photos where you can see the clothes styles and hair styles evolving throughout the years.  At one point I had a hair cut that made me look very like Princess Diana.  We made great use of the car my parents gave me which was kinda crushing in that my Papa had promised me a cherry red Camaro that he showed me and was spotless but he rode it around and despite putting concrete in the trunk he said the car was still too front heavy for a girl to drive (grrrrr lol) instead I ended with an old light blue 4 door cadillac my parents had had about enough of.  Even before I got the car we would regularly make trips via bus to magic mountain just to dance and to disneyland and the beach and all over my parents never saying much about it.  I got good grades so they largely stayed out of my way but my mother either didn't care or was blind to my antics as I spent little time in school after I switched from private to public and now had a car - instead I went to the beach about 3 days a week to work on a tan.  I didn't even try to hide the sand or bathing suits and was never questioned as to when I found time to go to the beach so often.  The ironic thing is I remember being angry that they were so strict - I guess I didn't know the meaning of the word LOL.  The one time I was truly very harshly punished (no phone calls no visiting friends no horseback riding no tv - all I was allowed to do is study and listen to music and swim for 6 weeks!!)  is when I purposely failed a history class at the Catholic school (I had been pushing hard for over a year to be moved to public school - the kids at the Catholic school were stuck up and made fun of kids that didn't come from more money.  My family was a comfortable upper middle class so I didn't get picked on but I stood up for one boy who got bullied pretty badly simply for being there on a scholarship.  Also they would do drugs and argue   who came from the richest family - they just made me ill and I wanted out badly to be with kids who were more regular (turns out there ain't no such thing - at the public school kids got bullied too just for different reasons.)  I'll come back to Drake soon.  

When I was 16 a girlfriend of mine and I were cleaning the house of her father's friend who had just bought it and it was a dusty mess.  Well first off I am bi and so was she and we were both fairly good looking and we just weren't careful or wise enough to know how dangerous was that situation what with the man continually giving us margaritas while we worked and then insisting we join him in the hot tub when we were done.  She and I were showing off flirting with each other and we DID know that was attractive even if we didn't know that it would go as sour as it did.  It was bad judgment in league with a bad man that got me hurt.  I got out of the hot tub cuz now I was woozy with booze and the heat and excused myself to go change.   I went and got my stuff and went in the bathroom and stupidly didn't lock the door.  He walks in while my bikini top was off and starts groping and kissing me - I still wasn't terribly worried and figured he was just drunk (bad  habit of mine to this day is making excuses for others' bad behavior) and so I gently pushed him away explaining that I had a boyfriend but he had put his leg behind mine and he pushed me.  Unable to back up I simply landed hard and fast on my back on the floor and then he was all power and I was all out of any kind of control of the situation.  He ripped off my bottoms and forced my legs apart (which is surprisingly painful) and raped me.  I guess I had been screaming because Carine was banging at the door claiming she was going to call the cops but she only called my mom, explained we had too much to drink and could she please come pick us up.  

Well and now is the truly odd part - my mind made a sort of flip like the turning on of a light and I got on top of him and had sex with him until he was finished.  Several minutes later we were all in the kitchen and Carine was crying.  I was out to lunch and banging my head against the wall.  He started to freak a bit as I think he finally realized he had created quite a mess that he could get into a lot of hot water over.  His cure for the problem was to give me cocaine.  I had never had any before and despite him telling me how to do it I blew out instead of sucking in air through my nose and sent a bunch flying.  He repeated the instructions, made another line and the second attempt was successful and it actually worked.  I went from silent almost to the point of catatonic to talking my head off about anything and everything and cheerful and no longer in pain.  The next day Carine was crying hysterically in my car apologizing over and over again and I said she was being ridiculous as I had NOT been raped.  She argued with me very hard and much that indeed I had been but my memory was completely wiped of everything that happened in that bathroom save me on top of him and us merely having sex (as if 16 yr old girls normally have sex with 40 something year old men we don't know - OR that I would EVER cheat on Drake my mind seemed to have no issue with the contradictions there but truly I only remembered having sex and I didn't recover the memory for 11 yrs where when this stupid guy I was dating insisted I list all the men I had had sex with and when I got to him my mind just opened up like a tsunami and all the info came forth all at once.   I was so bowled over by the fact that I could have forgotten that and for so long that I didn't have any emotion attached to the information like as if it happened to someone else.  I was stunned and here was this arse calling me a liar and that I couldn't have been raped.  I just laughed at the absurdity of the entire situation and didn't talk to him anymore on the subject but went silent.  I wasn't traumatized by the new info but I would hazard to guess that I had been traumatized rather badly by the event and the whole getting through it my mind went through subconsciously without my help.

Ranch and good times

 

(Soap I made)

Let me back track some here.  I was sent from 1st grade through 10th grade elementary to a Christian school and junior and HS to a catholic school.  My parents were hard core atheists however and made fun of me for wanting to go to Sunday school saying to believe in god was like believing in Santa Claus but I went anyway and I DID believe.  Then In Catholic school it was taught that even babies who have never heard of Jesus go to purgatory which the way they described it sounded worse than hell so right then and there I decided if I am more logically minded than this god he doesn't deserve my vowing a single thing to him nor thanking him for murdering and torturing his child for me as I would HANDS down have myself pay for my own sins and would NEVER want another to suffer for me.  I am soooooo offended that god would accept my molestor or one of my rapists over me who has caused very little damage to others simply because I disagree with torture and murder as a good way to move people towards being spiritually adept - meaning loving compassionate people.  The Christians more than any other religion have caused more in the way of torture, mayhem and murder and I resent being included in such a wayward crowd that think torture and murder are good ways to motivate people to believing in a god that isn't capable of logical thought much less benevolence, at least in my very young eyes.  I STILL consider myself at least partly Christian due to what the monks Meister Echardt and Thomas Merton have written on the subject of christianity and spirituality.  That being that god is everywhere - there is no place no thing that is not god - so when I look into your eyes and you back into mine it is god looking at god.  Hence I tend to follow the mystical sects of the various religions which while always the least popular or understood at least make sense TO ME and generally don't even discuss hell much less threaten you with it if you don't do xyz.  That to me is ludicrous and I am sorry if that offends some folks who are Christian - I would hope you have some appreciation for just how much damage has been caused and is still being caused by Christians  (like not allowing birth control in areas where babies starve from having not enough food or die of dysentery due to drinking from mud puddles) - how about the mighty rich church pay for all the places in the world that have people dying due to lack of water - THEN I would have some respect for Christians of this day (I mean the group as opposed to individuals whom of course I respect and love all).  The Christians now make up the largest church (as in numbers of people who believe).` I believe y'all are falling for a bunch of stuff that isn't even in the bible and in my experience Christians are hands down the most judgmental people I have ever encountered which is soooo hypocritical as to be laughable.  But I am done tearing that religion to shreds - I do believe Jesus was an enlightened being that came to help others become more enlightened.  

(I just found out tonite what a 177 on the lsat really means in terms of my abiity to use logic.  I am impressed with myself even though today there is no way I'd do anywhere near that well and it is most amusing  I never checked.  I simply got the notice in the  mail and kept it in a drawer somewhere.  It very likely got lost in my last move.   It is neither here nor there but I FEEL it a waste in that I have spent most my adult life disabled and not just a little but hugely.  I have never been able to have a child a career is out of the question so what is left, volunteering my time - well I have signed up to do just that 3 times and 3 times no one got back to me.   So it seemed to me I best write down all that has happened in the hope it helps even one person later on and then at least I have accomplished one thing of some value to humanity - I know somewhat egotistical - however I am neither looking for notoriety or high status nor am I deluded enough to think it would earn me much if any money - that is rather entirely beside the point.)  

Ok back to the story.  So Roland and I hung out together at the ranch - him only on weekends as he didn't live close like I did.  I cleaned hooves and horses and mucked out stalls and gave lessons to little bitty kids in exchange for riding either in a lesson there or taking a ride on the trails.  Everyday I did the same thing - go to school, come home, walk to the ranch and then work for play all of which was empowering and fun and challenging and great exercise.  I would walk home before it was too dark and then eat and swim in the pool then go to bed.  It was wonderful and I made a lot of friends there.  

A weird thing that happened was we played with a oiuji board once and it came back at us that  we were going to be this person who had died and that person etc then topped it off by the planchette flying unaided by us across the room.  What followed I am unclear if we were experiencing some kind of group psychosis or if it were real but I remember being someone else and how my body didn't seem my own and all this played out like a drama between us all for about 2 weeks wherein it just stopped suddenly and I still don't know what to make of that.  Roland later claimed that a 16 yr old girl molested him.  I didn't have as much compassion for him as I ought to have but to me it just didn't rise to the level of trauma that I had been thru but that is hardly the point as to him the trauma was very real.  I still feel bad about that but I was a teen then when he told me about it and we all know how self-absorbed a teen male or female can be not to mention young and dumb.  We fooled around and I was a year his senior and I didn't see much difference there him 11 me 12 and her 16 and a friend.  I wondered but never asked if he asked her to stop.

Next ...

 

So that was about all that my 9th year on this planet was about except that I continued to play with the other kids on the block.  While if I had grown up in a more modern era certainly my mother would have watched some Oprah and been aware that stuff like molestation coming from close family friends was not only not unheard of but that 1/3 of girls are either molested or raped or both. What ifs are kind of silly.  I DID enjoy great freedom as a child in comparison to what kids' lives look like today.  We went out to play everyday with nary a parent in sight and had a ton of fun riding bikes and skateboards and playing cowboys and indians and doctor and husband and wife and everything else we could think up.  

When I was 10 I spent about a year believing that no one existed but myself.  I believed my parents, my sister, my teachers, my friends, even any given room I was in at any time was a show a masquerade and that I was being tested by god to see if I should go to heaven or hell and in my estimation I was hell-bound because of what I had let happen with Mr Darning.  I just tried my best to not sin, do well in school, obey my parents etc.  I still argued with my mom about piano lessons (which today I am grateful she made me take).  She  kept a letter I had written her saying I hated her for making me play and that I wished I was dead signed love cynthia LOL.  (oh and by the by to anyone not aware my name is Cynthia not Cindy - funny thing when anyone called my home and asked for Cindy my mom said no Cindy lived there and hung up on them so it is like I was branded with that name and there is no going back now LOL)

In 6th grade several interesting things happened.  I was bullied quite a bit by the other popular girls for what reason I still haven't the foggiest notion.  I still got invited to everyone's parties.  One time a girl spit in my face in the girl's restroom for no apparent reason.  When I was 11 it was very popular to go roller skating so I started doing some of that.  I remember I insisted on Ditto Jeans - hot pink no less and I sported them fairly well.  I had gotten over thinking life was not real.  I had my first kiss with a cute short very popular boy with shaggy brown hair that he tossed about a lot named Stephan and he tricked me by sitting next to me in a chair the boys were spinning in circles and unbeknownst to me had been feeling up my left breast.  I had been scared and absorbed by the spinning and then all the boys started laughing when I realized what was happening.  But I fancied myself in love.  He broke up with me by telephone on xmas break and I was just crushed.  I remember listening to Sad Eyes by Robert John over and over and over.  I doubt I will ever forget that song.  

One time a bunch of girls invited me over saying I would look so much better if I did my hair and makeup like them.  They had me put on a top that showed my breasts and made a royal mess of my hair and painted my face with very not flattering makeup and then sent me home saying I was helplessly ugly and they couldn't fix me.  Another time a girl insisted my hair was messed up and needed help and I argued with her for a while then figured fine certainly by then everyone was on their way home.  Nope the entire class was in on it.  After she made my hair ridiculous looking and I could feel it we went outside the class and there they all were with poloroid cameras laughing and catching the scene on film.  By then I was basically used to it and I just kept walking.  I was terribly alone and I did my year end school report on suicide including pictures of folks who had died having swallowed and then thrown up all over themselves bleach with a bunch of blood - not a soul mentioned this was not appropriate for 11 year old children.  It was also the year I first tried to commit suicide.  I put some nail polish remover in my mouth with the plan of swallowing the bottle but it was cool and weird tasting and evaporating on my tongue and it scared me off from going through with it.  I was just tired of being bullied.  My grandparents had moved to Mexico to avoid prison for tax fraud and I was angry with any judge or jury finding my grandparents guilty of a thing - I had fantasies of getting on the witness stand and blowing my brains out as a display of how wrong they were.  Turns out there was never a trial much less a judge or jury and I am not even sure there were even charges brought but obviously I must have heard talk of such things as why did they move to Mexico and why else have fantasies of martyring myself for them?  LOL  Sure I have always been a drama queen (that is an exaggeration as I am quite laid back I just have had a rather eventful life is all).

The summer break between 6th and 7th grade I believe is when I started horseback riding and that was a glorious escape for me.   I was 11 and my parents let me walk to the ranch which was a few miles from home.  I met the man I later married.  First I "dated" his best friend then switched to Roland at the time by way of explanation to his friend singing because because because because becaaaause because of the wonderful things he does (think wizard of oz).  Oh I was a nut going waaaaaay back LOL.  Roland was one year younger than I.  We had some weird stuff happen that year.  I finally had gained back some confidence and was about the business of having fun again (6th grade naturally had been a nightmare almost as bad as 4th grade and 5th grade just a supernatural adventure wherein I was doomed to burn for all time in Hell).

early life history

 I have rather huge gaps in my memory.  I had always just thought I had a poor memory but my psychiatrist thinks I have been disassociating much of my life whenever I become too stressed or frightened and actually everyone in my family would agree that we are masters in the art of denial. 

Anyway back to the story.... I do recall my kindegarten teacher's name - Mrs Mead (not sure of spelling here) and this is a real name as opposed to just about everyone else who I will mention and simply because it is very very unlikely she will suffer due to having been my first teacher.  But I remember not at all any other teacher's name from grade school right up into grad school - not even the dean that got me into law school (in addition to a very very high lsat score, 177 to those that know what that means, and decent grades).  I remember playing four square? is that the right name? although I don't remember the rules of the game but again I broke my finger doing that and why I think I remember it at all.  I have vague memories of being there for both breakfast and lunch.  Otherwise my next memory jumps to an ugly one.  When I was 9 my best friend Hayley Darning's father molested me over and over for about the span of a year.  One time I went soooo far out of my way to avoid him that I broke my mom's rules.  She had made super clear that if I am to go to someone's home that I first give them notice or otherwise have their permission to do so.  Well I was wearing a white top and my favorite shorts (satin green with yellow trim) and I rode a green skateboard to her house to check to see whether her mom's car was there and if it was and her father's gone then I was gonna knock but if his was there I was just gonna turn around and go straight back home - of course I thought my plan genius and I was confident and happy.

Turns out her mom's car was there and her dad's car was gone so I knocked with full confidence it would be either Hayley or her mom that would answer and you could have blown me over with a feather when her dad answered.  I think I stood there stunned for a beat or longer finally asking if Hayley can come out and play.  He said sure and invited me in.  I hesitantly and quickly moved past him where I thought I had yet another brilliant idea - instead of asking him where they were or going to look myself what I did was get to the end of the hall that goes straight into the kitchen but before that point splits right to the living room and dining room and to the left to the bedrooms.  What I did was get to that spot and yell for Hayley first one way then the other - never occurred to me he would straight up lie about them being there.  After a few minutes when no one answered and me still calling for them.... the next thing I remember is I am standing in the hall where this '70s gold veined mirror covered the wall with him behind me.  He stood behind me with me facing the mirror and undid my top and felt me up under my clothes top and bottom and at some point I thought he pissed on me and next thing I remember is being home and throwing away my favorite outfit.  

I know of three other incidences one of which I know only because my mother admitted she had wondered why he had me in their trailer (our families camped together) for so very long, another in their living room and once in their pool - but I know from that whole period being a nightmare and little bits of before and after memories that it happened a number of times.  I told no one for a couple years for a few reasons.  I thought of him as a dog or a clown who was out of control and therefore I was at fault for this happening and also I had gotten breasts and my period and had grown to my full height at age 9 and so thought I was too sexy and why he did this again putting the blame on myself and finally because it was humiliating and I wasn't even sure what all went on except that it was wrong - for instance not knowing what ejaculate is and assuming pee instead except that it seemed like no pee I had ever run across - so mighty confused plus I was the one broke the rule about going over without calling first  - just too much my fault to admit to.

What I did to end the situation was the only thing I could think of that I was pretty darn certain would work which was tell a poor little 9 yr old the worst put down and that was that I hated her house.  She of course cried, hung up and never spoke to me again so lost my best bud in the bargain but I had to figure a way to make it stop.  When I was 11 my mom was going to take me to the dentist and she was going to let Mr Darning babysit my little sister so I told her what he did.  She flat out called me a liar and we all got in the car so I screamed at the top of my lungs like I was on fire until she agreed to not take my sister there.

My mom died at 80 never having believed me.  She stayed friends with him.  One year when I had broken my pelvis, my foot (and turns out my neck as well - but more on that later) she says make yourself useful and gave me her xmas cards to address and one was to him!  I wonder to this day if she really was that cruel or if she thought perhaps I had given up childish unreal notions or what but I stayed silent and addressed all but his.  But after that I was openly angry and hostile towards her until about age 27 when a shrink made a good case that she was my biggest champion and that it was clear as day she simply was incapable of believing it; her denial was complete and that was never going to change.  After that I largely let it go.

My Life Story

 

Ok now comes the hard part - I've tried writing my autobiography before and it is excruciating.  I feel like it would be best I am at my best when I do go forth to write it formally but I am going to try to get alot of it out here - names will be changed to protect folks.  So here goes:

I was born in the San Fernando Valley, Encino CA 9/22/1968.  My first clear memory is when I was 3 and a half when my mother gave birth to my little sister.  I was frightened and thought my mom very ill and in pain and I wanted to be there with her for it but her best friend pulled me out of the room (it might very well have been policy but at the time I became angry at that woman who looking back was only trying to help).  I remember holding onto the door soooo hard that when she pried my fingers from it it either badly sprained or broke one of my fingers - the unbelievable pain totally overwhelmed me and all thoughts of my sick mom flew from my mind.  Her friend got me home to her house and put ice on it and I remember crying bitterly at the unfairness of all of this and how very much pain I was in (now of course when I break a finger it is a mere annoyance but at 3 that HURTS!!! )

My next tangible memory happens to be my first mini-enlightenment experience which I didn't recognize as unique or different as I knew no better.  I was just laying on the grass soaking up the sun lazily my mind largely blank when I found myself staring at the flowers and then becoming part of the scenery myself as if I had melted into it and the flowers and I were dancing although I had not moved.  It was magical and lasted only about 5 minutes.  It took decades before I became aware that was anything but childhood imagination and being so young I had no clue that it was important or that I ought say something to someone even if I could articulate it then - still can't really speak much about it because as part of the nature of enlightenment experiences is the fact that one generally cannot describe it using human vocabulary because it sooo fails to describe such a greater reality that we haven't the language to discuss it - what's more is these experiences I found out MUCH later are rather rare.  (I have some theories about brain use of those who are born mentally ill and the fact that a person with bipolar or schizophrenia are using more of their brain than most other people do - not that I deserve it or worked for it just that I was inherently open to it as part of my genetic makeup).

When I was 6 and my neighbor 7 we used to pretend I was a witch and he a priest.  We used barbie and ken dolls to represent ourselves and we burned the bodies of the barbies and beheaded them and he gave them last rites and then we buried them underneath the swing set.  Funny somehow I was already aware who was Gandhi and what a witch does and what a monk does and I forsaw myself as a woman living alone in a cave with herbs hanging from the ceiling to dry out so I could treat my "tribe" plus I envisioned myself a person who others sought all kinds of advise most especially about things spiritual but also more mundane complaints.  I was a hermit in that vision.  Ironically I have been studying aromatherapy and herbalism for years and have dried my own and made medicines from them plus I lived alone for about a decade and a half and am not social and people do seek me out for advise on both spiritual and mundane matters.  Bottom line is that knowing of myself that early on and it so thoroughly coming true I find more than just coincidence.  

My parents were both good cooks and my dad made everything from yogurt to rabbit stew (wild rabbits that will take out your eye if you're not careful he raised in the back yard and we were not to touch them except when they were babies.  I was not bothered at all at the eating of them like my sister was and I have always wanted to learn to hunt but everyone I have ever asked if I could join them has said no LOL) to canned vegetables and jams jellies and preserves but he never dabbled with herbs as medicine and probably would have laughed at the notion of aromatherapy but he was very old world and not just a little close-minded.  So where I picked up that knowledge is a mystery - it's not like stuff like that was on tv way back then nor was I reading material that advanced that young.  

Finally one very odd event happened in a hospital.  I saw a man who had been too depressed to do anything even so much as talk, I watched him have an enlightenment experience and recognized it for what it was.  He had been looking old, tired and beaten down by life but all the sudden as I was watching him his entire face lit up and it was FULL of knowing and being aware of it and massively enjoying it.  I asked him if he wanted a blanket and he said no he'd like to stand at the window and look outside.  I helped him from his chair but he was surprisingly graceful and steady and strong despite being in that chair for days.  I walked with him to the window and he turned to me and said you need to accept that you are like a nun - you are not meant to be with someone but to work on spirituality.  He said nothing more but looked out raptly through the window.  It was clear he was just trying to help me and not at all trying to be rude and he said that matter of factly not in a way such as to convince me but to validate something I was already partly aware of - I think he used the word nun because there isn't a word equivalent to a monk/medicine woman in our culture but part of his greater understanding was passed to me and I fully understood him despite the slightly awkward conversation if one can call it that as all I did was nod yes I knew that and I did but it wasn't what I wanted at that time in my life but I DID accept it nevertheless as I recognized it was coming from a higher understanding plus it totally validated my aspirations from when I was very young.

Why Prayer (magic) works

 

We know now there are no separation between things in the universe.  Used to be called the butterfly affect but we now have harder science on it.  I affect my couch as it does me - even though the table is 4 feet away I know there is no separation between us.  It has to do with how human's perceive the world that makes us believe there are separations between objects or between objects and people or between people and people.  There are a few ways to understand this - if two people are about a block away from each other on the beach both walking in the shallows of the water.  Along comes a wave and despite you not being close to each other the wave knocks you both down at the same moment.  Any particle having been in contact with another will change it's orientation in space at the same moment regardless how far away they are from each other - referred to as spooky action at a distance - this means everything each of us does affects the entire universe.  Finally the way quantum particles work is they can be located in space OR you can measure their speed but you cannot measure both at the same time - the most compelling info to draw from that is that our observation of them has a direct impact on how they behave/manifest (I say manifest because they pop into and out of existence also based on how we observe them).  The moral of the story is that our reality is much more intangible than it appears to us PLUS just our observation of things (plus what we think about them - our perceptions of them) change their action/characteristics/real-ness.  Also and here is the clincher for me - NOTHING happens minus an observer.  To me that is pretty darn close to proving god in the respect that at the very least we know some sentient being had to be observing us when the big bang occurred and it's/his/her perception colored what that was going to be!!  And why a whole lot of physicists have stopped being atheist because at base they KNOW through scientific method these things I mentioned are in fact true (maybe the science is not fully complete but it is complete enough for us to travel in space or do surgery via VR or create robots etc - alot of why that stuff even works is because of our knowledge of how quantum mechanics (as well as relativity) works even if it seems nonsensical to us; facts is facts!!

So how does that tie into magic/religion/spirituality/prayer/ritual??  This is largely theoretical and being studied currently but consciousness still hasn't been found in the human brain - sure we can see where we make decisions (our mammalian/emotional mind not our logical mind makes our decisions - sure we use our logical brain to plan and create and all kinds of stuff but our decisions come from the part of the brain that controls emotions and is in every mammal hence why it is referred to as our mammalian brain).  To me it seems not just a little plausible if not downright the truth that our brains are receptors and transmitters of information but consciousness is EVERYWHERE and we unknowingly tap into that naturally then our genetics plus history colors it then we make a decision emotionally followed by our logical brain (unique to humans) rationalizing them and plan how to go about them.  For instance answering the problem 2+2 requires your emotional brain (which seems to be located not just in our head but in our gut which does "talk/speak" to us but in a more subconscious way - being aware of one's gut reaction is very important and can save your life).   If one is gambling and believing that this or that strategy is going to make one win this is magical thinking as is football players always wearing the same socks on big game days will help them win - who knows maybe it does but this also is referred to as magical thinking (ie it is not backed by science hence many would say it simply is useless - but I don't think it is that simple at alllll). 

Scientists generally believe prayer is magical thinking yet we have done studies that show quite dramatically that those prayed over tend to become healthier than those not.  So since we are all connected with no spaces in between us and consciousness being something not limited to our bodies/brains argues hard that we can and do affect others at a distance - most people put this into practice via prayer and ritual - candle burning is a ritual as is cannibalizing Jesus via transubstantiation so not at all limited to folks calling themselves Wiccans who are considered heretical for not believing the Jesus dying to save us from having to pay for our sins story.  So ritual is merely prayer acted out vs said in our heads or aloud - there is no logical reason to say one is more right than the other especially when religions claim they practice no rituals save fasting - which is untrue and a means of tricking people by feeding them misinformation about who is heretical and who not.  Like there are few if any Christians who will admit they practice any ritual because they are so afraid of being tied to a group they consider doomed - but they practice just as much ritual as any religion.  Bottom line is prayer/ritual works due to physical attributes of nature - quantum mechanics plus consciousness in this case.  

How does that tie into mental illness?  It is my belief and I am not alone in this that bipolar and schizophrenic minds access more of their brain and hence are alert to the spiritual world - even if it is confused often by true psychosis - there often enough is a nugget of truth (mind-bending truth) about things not normally experienced by the general population.  Unfortunately due to that confusion drs rarely give any of it any credibility what's more it's darn near impossible to experiment on because just the experiments can adversely affect it's subjects as well as the data (due to the fact that the drs are going in with perceptions that actually DO affect the outcome of the results or even of every test - it depends largely what their perceptions are as well as what it is they wish to prove) - in proving it there is still the complication that quantum particles are basically doing as told by the drs themselves not by the subjects LOL.  Just because it is difficult doesn't mean we won't ever get there.  Plus I have met many bipolar and schizophrenic folks and they are largely super intelligent - my thinking is that they are accessing parts of their brains the general population doesn't ordinarily have access to.  But that is just theory based on LOTS of experience :)

Tools that Help with Major Depression

  

All the mental illnesses plus their symptoms can be touched on however I'm going to focus mainly on depression because it is hands  down the worst of symptoms/diseases plus I've got years and years - decades of experience here.

Ok so if your mood has been uncomfortably depressed ( that is your mood so low that you don't take any pleasure in life plus a feeling of hopelessness//helplessness - also what I like to call care-lessness (which doesn't actually mean you don't care but your body doesn't even provide things to you that you might care about but one is sooo anguished they fail to even notice it so how can one care about what doesn't even enter their conscious brain?))  In  such a way gardens get overgrown, the house becomes a mess, bills don't get paid,one either cringes at eating or eats to try to fill up that hole in themselves that desires being filled up ending up over-doing it.  Sleep can be in the way of 12-16 hours or conversely insomnia.  Anyway if one has been constantly suffering depression 3 or more weeks in a row it has been shown that one needs meds to turn it around because in 21 days your brain creates habits (maps) that are hard to break minus a major life event or medication.

I did a few things that worked remarkably well.  First I noticed that when ill I DID treat myself more kindly, was more gentle with myself, so I started by copying that behavior/mindset all the time as a practice.  If I found that I had stopped being kind to myself I tried to change that thinking right away and focus back on pretending I was under the weather.  Then I stepped that up to any criticism my mind would come up with like I am a failure, my life is meaningless, I am only a trouble to friends and family (they wouldn't agree with that assessment but rather point out I am generous - too generous in their minds - kind, helpful, etc) so think instead what would my mom or my sis or my bff would say to me if they heard what my mind was insisting is true but knowing my perceptions are altered I tried to use what they would think and say about me not what my head did.  This takes practice and time and patience and perseverance as habitual thinking is not easy to change but it most certainly can be.  Then I came upon brain mapping and realized I was already doing that but it made it even more clear in that i need just change my internal dialogue to one that loves me - to one who is a best friend to herself.

Also I made it a daily practice to list the things I am grateful for regardless I am FEELING grateful or not.  And finally always reminding myself that Everything IS Temporary - that is the nature of reality and it can be counted on - not only do happy times end but unhappy times end as well (maybe not as quickly as we would like but end they do - I promise!!)

So brain mapping to learn to love yourself (I can actually look in the mirror and smile at what I see staring back whereas for many decades I saw only ugliness in the mirror so actively avoided looking in them}.  But now I see I am cute as a button and not unattractive and I basically love myself now which has been the biggest gift I have ever given myself - I can even hug myself and mean it and not feel silly - I know for some that seems an impossibility but you CAN learn to love yourself and it is well worth your time, energy and hard work.  Also I worked with a biofeedback specialist and that helped greatly because she taught me to listen to my body (something I still very much have difficulty with and so would love to go back for more but she is on the other side of the country to me now).