early life history

 I have rather huge gaps in my memory.  I had always just thought I had a poor memory but my psychiatrist thinks I have been disassociating much of my life whenever I become too stressed or frightened and actually everyone in my family would agree that we are masters in the art of denial. 

Anyway back to the story.... I do recall my kindegarten teacher's name - Mrs Mead (not sure of spelling here) and this is a real name as opposed to just about everyone else who I will mention and simply because it is very very unlikely she will suffer due to having been my first teacher.  But I remember not at all any other teacher's name from grade school right up into grad school - not even the dean that got me into law school (in addition to a very very high lsat score, 177 to those that know what that means, and decent grades).  I remember playing four square? is that the right name? although I don't remember the rules of the game but again I broke my finger doing that and why I think I remember it at all.  I have vague memories of being there for both breakfast and lunch.  Otherwise my next memory jumps to an ugly one.  When I was 9 my best friend Hayley Darning's father molested me over and over for about the span of a year.  One time I went soooo far out of my way to avoid him that I broke my mom's rules.  She had made super clear that if I am to go to someone's home that I first give them notice or otherwise have their permission to do so.  Well I was wearing a white top and my favorite shorts (satin green with yellow trim) and I rode a green skateboard to her house to check to see whether her mom's car was there and if it was and her father's gone then I was gonna knock but if his was there I was just gonna turn around and go straight back home - of course I thought my plan genius and I was confident and happy.

Turns out her mom's car was there and her dad's car was gone so I knocked with full confidence it would be either Hayley or her mom that would answer and you could have blown me over with a feather when her dad answered.  I think I stood there stunned for a beat or longer finally asking if Hayley can come out and play.  He said sure and invited me in.  I hesitantly and quickly moved past him where I thought I had yet another brilliant idea - instead of asking him where they were or going to look myself what I did was get to the end of the hall that goes straight into the kitchen but before that point splits right to the living room and dining room and to the left to the bedrooms.  What I did was get to that spot and yell for Hayley first one way then the other - never occurred to me he would straight up lie about them being there.  After a few minutes when no one answered and me still calling for them.... the next thing I remember is I am standing in the hall where this '70s gold veined mirror covered the wall with him behind me.  He stood behind me with me facing the mirror and undid my top and felt me up under my clothes top and bottom and at some point I thought he pissed on me and next thing I remember is being home and throwing away my favorite outfit.  

I know of three other incidences one of which I know only because my mother admitted she had wondered why he had me in their trailer (our families camped together) for so very long, another in their living room and once in their pool - but I know from that whole period being a nightmare and little bits of before and after memories that it happened a number of times.  I told no one for a couple years for a few reasons.  I thought of him as a dog or a clown who was out of control and therefore I was at fault for this happening and also I had gotten breasts and my period and had grown to my full height at age 9 and so thought I was too sexy and why he did this again putting the blame on myself and finally because it was humiliating and I wasn't even sure what all went on except that it was wrong - for instance not knowing what ejaculate is and assuming pee instead except that it seemed like no pee I had ever run across - so mighty confused plus I was the one broke the rule about going over without calling first  - just too much my fault to admit to.

What I did to end the situation was the only thing I could think of that I was pretty darn certain would work which was tell a poor little 9 yr old the worst put down and that was that I hated her house.  She of course cried, hung up and never spoke to me again so lost my best bud in the bargain but I had to figure a way to make it stop.  When I was 11 my mom was going to take me to the dentist and she was going to let Mr Darning babysit my little sister so I told her what he did.  She flat out called me a liar and we all got in the car so I screamed at the top of my lungs like I was on fire until she agreed to not take my sister there.

My mom died at 80 never having believed me.  She stayed friends with him.  One year when I had broken my pelvis, my foot (and turns out my neck as well - but more on that later) she says make yourself useful and gave me her xmas cards to address and one was to him!  I wonder to this day if she really was that cruel or if she thought perhaps I had given up childish unreal notions or what but I stayed silent and addressed all but his.  But after that I was openly angry and hostile towards her until about age 27 when a shrink made a good case that she was my biggest champion and that it was clear as day she simply was incapable of believing it; her denial was complete and that was never going to change.  After that I largely let it go.