My Life Story

 

Ok now comes the hard part - I've tried writing my autobiography before and it is excruciating.  I feel like it would be best I am at my best when I do go forth to write it formally but I am going to try to get alot of it out here - names will be changed to protect folks.  So here goes:

I was born in the San Fernando Valley, Encino CA 9/22/1968.  My first clear memory is when I was 3 and a half when my mother gave birth to my little sister.  I was frightened and thought my mom very ill and in pain and I wanted to be there with her for it but her best friend pulled me out of the room (it might very well have been policy but at the time I became angry at that woman who looking back was only trying to help).  I remember holding onto the door soooo hard that when she pried my fingers from it it either badly sprained or broke one of my fingers - the unbelievable pain totally overwhelmed me and all thoughts of my sick mom flew from my mind.  Her friend got me home to her house and put ice on it and I remember crying bitterly at the unfairness of all of this and how very much pain I was in (now of course when I break a finger it is a mere annoyance but at 3 that HURTS!!! )

My next tangible memory happens to be my first mini-enlightenment experience which I didn't recognize as unique or different as I knew no better.  I was just laying on the grass soaking up the sun lazily my mind largely blank when I found myself staring at the flowers and then becoming part of the scenery myself as if I had melted into it and the flowers and I were dancing although I had not moved.  It was magical and lasted only about 5 minutes.  It took decades before I became aware that was anything but childhood imagination and being so young I had no clue that it was important or that I ought say something to someone even if I could articulate it then - still can't really speak much about it because as part of the nature of enlightenment experiences is the fact that one generally cannot describe it using human vocabulary because it sooo fails to describe such a greater reality that we haven't the language to discuss it - what's more is these experiences I found out MUCH later are rather rare.  (I have some theories about brain use of those who are born mentally ill and the fact that a person with bipolar or schizophrenia are using more of their brain than most other people do - not that I deserve it or worked for it just that I was inherently open to it as part of my genetic makeup).

When I was 6 and my neighbor 7 we used to pretend I was a witch and he a priest.  We used barbie and ken dolls to represent ourselves and we burned the bodies of the barbies and beheaded them and he gave them last rites and then we buried them underneath the swing set.  Funny somehow I was already aware who was Gandhi and what a witch does and what a monk does and I forsaw myself as a woman living alone in a cave with herbs hanging from the ceiling to dry out so I could treat my "tribe" plus I envisioned myself a person who others sought all kinds of advise most especially about things spiritual but also more mundane complaints.  I was a hermit in that vision.  Ironically I have been studying aromatherapy and herbalism for years and have dried my own and made medicines from them plus I lived alone for about a decade and a half and am not social and people do seek me out for advise on both spiritual and mundane matters.  Bottom line is that knowing of myself that early on and it so thoroughly coming true I find more than just coincidence.  

My parents were both good cooks and my dad made everything from yogurt to rabbit stew (wild rabbits that will take out your eye if you're not careful he raised in the back yard and we were not to touch them except when they were babies.  I was not bothered at all at the eating of them like my sister was and I have always wanted to learn to hunt but everyone I have ever asked if I could join them has said no LOL) to canned vegetables and jams jellies and preserves but he never dabbled with herbs as medicine and probably would have laughed at the notion of aromatherapy but he was very old world and not just a little close-minded.  So where I picked up that knowledge is a mystery - it's not like stuff like that was on tv way back then nor was I reading material that advanced that young.  

Finally one very odd event happened in a hospital.  I saw a man who had been too depressed to do anything even so much as talk, I watched him have an enlightenment experience and recognized it for what it was.  He had been looking old, tired and beaten down by life but all the sudden as I was watching him his entire face lit up and it was FULL of knowing and being aware of it and massively enjoying it.  I asked him if he wanted a blanket and he said no he'd like to stand at the window and look outside.  I helped him from his chair but he was surprisingly graceful and steady and strong despite being in that chair for days.  I walked with him to the window and he turned to me and said you need to accept that you are like a nun - you are not meant to be with someone but to work on spirituality.  He said nothing more but looked out raptly through the window.  It was clear he was just trying to help me and not at all trying to be rude and he said that matter of factly not in a way such as to convince me but to validate something I was already partly aware of - I think he used the word nun because there isn't a word equivalent to a monk/medicine woman in our culture but part of his greater understanding was passed to me and I fully understood him despite the slightly awkward conversation if one can call it that as all I did was nod yes I knew that and I did but it wasn't what I wanted at that time in my life but I DID accept it nevertheless as I recognized it was coming from a higher understanding plus it totally validated my aspirations from when I was very young.