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So that was about all that my 9th year on this planet was about except that I continued to play with the other kids on the block.  While if I had grown up in a more modern era certainly my mother would have watched some Oprah and been aware that stuff like molestation coming from close family friends was not only not unheard of but that 1/3 of girls are either molested or raped or both. What ifs are kind of silly.  I DID enjoy great freedom as a child in comparison to what kids' lives look like today.  We went out to play everyday with nary a parent in sight and had a ton of fun riding bikes and skateboards and playing cowboys and indians and doctor and husband and wife and everything else we could think up.  

When I was 10 I spent about a year believing that no one existed but myself.  I believed my parents, my sister, my teachers, my friends, even any given room I was in at any time was a show a masquerade and that I was being tested by god to see if I should go to heaven or hell and in my estimation I was hell-bound because of what I had let happen with Mr Darning.  I just tried my best to not sin, do well in school, obey my parents etc.  I still argued with my mom about piano lessons (which today I am grateful she made me take).  She  kept a letter I had written her saying I hated her for making me play and that I wished I was dead signed love cynthia LOL.  (oh and by the by to anyone not aware my name is Cynthia not Cindy - funny thing when anyone called my home and asked for Cindy my mom said no Cindy lived there and hung up on them so it is like I was branded with that name and there is no going back now LOL)

In 6th grade several interesting things happened.  I was bullied quite a bit by the other popular girls for what reason I still haven't the foggiest notion.  I still got invited to everyone's parties.  One time a girl spit in my face in the girl's restroom for no apparent reason.  When I was 11 it was very popular to go roller skating so I started doing some of that.  I remember I insisted on Ditto Jeans - hot pink no less and I sported them fairly well.  I had gotten over thinking life was not real.  I had my first kiss with a cute short very popular boy with shaggy brown hair that he tossed about a lot named Stephan and he tricked me by sitting next to me in a chair the boys were spinning in circles and unbeknownst to me had been feeling up my left breast.  I had been scared and absorbed by the spinning and then all the boys started laughing when I realized what was happening.  But I fancied myself in love.  He broke up with me by telephone on xmas break and I was just crushed.  I remember listening to Sad Eyes by Robert John over and over and over.  I doubt I will ever forget that song.  

One time a bunch of girls invited me over saying I would look so much better if I did my hair and makeup like them.  They had me put on a top that showed my breasts and made a royal mess of my hair and painted my face with very not flattering makeup and then sent me home saying I was helplessly ugly and they couldn't fix me.  Another time a girl insisted my hair was messed up and needed help and I argued with her for a while then figured fine certainly by then everyone was on their way home.  Nope the entire class was in on it.  After she made my hair ridiculous looking and I could feel it we went outside the class and there they all were with poloroid cameras laughing and catching the scene on film.  By then I was basically used to it and I just kept walking.  I was terribly alone and I did my year end school report on suicide including pictures of folks who had died having swallowed and then thrown up all over themselves bleach with a bunch of blood - not a soul mentioned this was not appropriate for 11 year old children.  It was also the year I first tried to commit suicide.  I put some nail polish remover in my mouth with the plan of swallowing the bottle but it was cool and weird tasting and evaporating on my tongue and it scared me off from going through with it.  I was just tired of being bullied.  My grandparents had moved to Mexico to avoid prison for tax fraud and I was angry with any judge or jury finding my grandparents guilty of a thing - I had fantasies of getting on the witness stand and blowing my brains out as a display of how wrong they were.  Turns out there was never a trial much less a judge or jury and I am not even sure there were even charges brought but obviously I must have heard talk of such things as why did they move to Mexico and why else have fantasies of martyring myself for them?  LOL  Sure I have always been a drama queen (that is an exaggeration as I am quite laid back I just have had a rather eventful life is all).

The summer break between 6th and 7th grade I believe is when I started horseback riding and that was a glorious escape for me.   I was 11 and my parents let me walk to the ranch which was a few miles from home.  I met the man I later married.  First I "dated" his best friend then switched to Roland at the time by way of explanation to his friend singing because because because because becaaaause because of the wonderful things he does (think wizard of oz).  Oh I was a nut going waaaaaay back LOL.  Roland was one year younger than I.  We had some weird stuff happen that year.  I finally had gained back some confidence and was about the business of having fun again (6th grade naturally had been a nightmare almost as bad as 4th grade and 5th grade just a supernatural adventure wherein I was doomed to burn for all time in Hell).