Let me back track some here. I was sent from 1st grade through 10th grade elementary to a Christian school and junior and HS to a catholic school. My parents were hard core atheists however and made fun of me for wanting to go to Sunday school saying to believe in god was like believing in Santa Claus but I went anyway and I DID believe. Then In Catholic school it was taught that even babies who have never heard of Jesus go to purgatory which the way they described it sounded worse than hell so right then and there I decided if I am more logically minded than this god he doesn't deserve my vowing a single thing to him nor thanking him for murdering and torturing his child for me as I would HANDS down have myself pay for my own sins and would NEVER want another to suffer for me. I am soooooo offended that god would accept my molestor or one of my rapists over me who has caused very little damage to others simply because I disagree with torture and murder as a good way to move people towards being spiritually adept - meaning loving compassionate people. The Christians more than any other religion have caused more in the way of torture, mayhem and murder and I resent being included in such a wayward crowd that think torture and murder are good ways to motivate people to believing in a god that isn't capable of logical thought much less benevolence, at least in my very young eyes. I STILL consider myself at least partly Christian due to what the monks Meister Echardt and Thomas Merton have written on the subject of christianity and spirituality. That being that god is everywhere - there is no place no thing that is not god - so when I look into your eyes and you back into mine it is god looking at god. Hence I tend to follow the mystical sects of the various religions which while always the least popular or understood at least make sense TO ME and generally don't even discuss hell much less threaten you with it if you don't do xyz. That to me is ludicrous and I am sorry if that offends some folks who are Christian - I would hope you have some appreciation for just how much damage has been caused and is still being caused by Christians (like not allowing birth control in areas where babies starve from having not enough food or die of dysentery due to drinking from mud puddles) - how about the mighty rich church pay for all the places in the world that have people dying due to lack of water - THEN I would have some respect for Christians of this day (I mean the group as opposed to individuals whom of course I respect and love all). The Christians now make up the largest church (as in numbers of people who believe).` I believe y'all are falling for a bunch of stuff that isn't even in the bible and in my experience Christians are hands down the most judgmental people I have ever encountered which is soooo hypocritical as to be laughable. But I am done tearing that religion to shreds - I do believe Jesus was an enlightened being that came to help others become more enlightened.
(I just found out tonite what a 177 on the lsat really means in terms of my abiity to use logic. I am impressed with myself even though today there is no way I'd do anywhere near that well and it is most amusing I never checked. I simply got the notice in the mail and kept it in a drawer somewhere. It very likely got lost in my last move. It is neither here nor there but I FEEL it a waste in that I have spent most my adult life disabled and not just a little but hugely. I have never been able to have a child a career is out of the question so what is left, volunteering my time - well I have signed up to do just that 3 times and 3 times no one got back to me. So it seemed to me I best write down all that has happened in the hope it helps even one person later on and then at least I have accomplished one thing of some value to humanity - I know somewhat egotistical - however I am neither looking for notoriety or high status nor am I deluded enough to think it would earn me much if any money - that is rather entirely beside the point.)
Ok back to the story. So Roland and I hung out together at the ranch - him only on weekends as he didn't live close like I did. I cleaned hooves and horses and mucked out stalls and gave lessons to little bitty kids in exchange for riding either in a lesson there or taking a ride on the trails. Everyday I did the same thing - go to school, come home, walk to the ranch and then work for play all of which was empowering and fun and challenging and great exercise. I would walk home before it was too dark and then eat and swim in the pool then go to bed. It was wonderful and I made a lot of friends there.
A weird thing that happened was we played with a oiuji board once and it came back at us that we were going to be this person who had died and that person etc then topped it off by the planchette flying unaided by us across the room. What followed I am unclear if we were experiencing some kind of group psychosis or if it were real but I remember being someone else and how my body didn't seem my own and all this played out like a drama between us all for about 2 weeks wherein it just stopped suddenly and I still don't know what to make of that. Roland later claimed that a 16 yr old girl molested him. I didn't have as much compassion for him as I ought to have but to me it just didn't rise to the level of trauma that I had been thru but that is hardly the point as to him the trauma was very real. I still feel bad about that but I was a teen then when he told me about it and we all know how self-absorbed a teen male or female can be not to mention young and dumb. We fooled around and I was a year his senior and I didn't see much difference there him 11 me 12 and her 16 and a friend. I wondered but never asked if he asked her to stop.
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