Notes on my Notes

 Ya know I haven't been thinking well critically either.  So maybe it was just age with my parents - they didn't have us til my mom was 30 and my dad 32 and then for my sis 33 and 35 so by the time I was a teen they were mid to late 40s - you'd think they'd be in their prime.  Also one therapist pointed out that my mom's level of denial is indicative of her having been a victim in the past and that I was unaware of it simply cuz being her child it wouldn't be appropriate.  Both my parents were much of the time silent - which is wise - I am not tho so there you have it I am not wise LOL.  So when I comment on personality disorders or anything for that matter ... well I am being honest but one should only take away from this what is useful to oneself and not focus on anything that seems less than fully thought out (also personality disorders include narcissism and psychopathic PD and sociopathic PD which many are criminal or otherwise don't think there is anything wrong with them so PDs cover a rather broad area so a few comments are almost meaningless on that) or even if you don't care to deal with whatever the subject happens to be - if ever it should become something you've an interest in then it can always be revisited and not just by yourself but multiple not a single source and of course throw some real science in there (if you can find legit stuff - ie:  alot of what is written online is bs - so called experts writing on stuff they haven't the first clue about - found that out trying to research aromatherapy - took going to a school to find out the vast majority of stuff on that subject written online is opinion - and not good ones - and sometimes hugely dangerously bad info not just misinformation but stuff that can cause you harm and so I suggest taking the free course at the very least at aromaticstudies.com if you ever want to get into that plus know upfront alot of what you may wish to use is toxic to your pets - just a word of warning :) like do not use baking soda spiked with lavender or citrus essential oils if you have pets to deoderize your carpets - course the stuff with man engineered chemicals in them may be just as bad - stick with like idk rosemary I think is fine for most pets but not basil or winter savory or sage ...well a bunch LOL and not easy info to find either which are ok for pets and which not - as far as I am aware burning white ceremonial sage is not toxic to pets tho the essential oil you have to be super careful with even with humans who are accustomed to eating it every thanksgiving.... well American humans anyways LOL)  

Ok back to story telling LOL.  They are true stories tho and so it is anxiety provoking to write about them but I figured I just got to get it out there in the hopes it may somehow, someday help someone.  I am feeling my life was/is a huge mistake (but my perceptions change with my mood which changes often so sometimes I think I am here for very good reasons LOL) - I guess my way of contributing has to be artistic in nature as a job is clean out of the question even a volunteer job is iffy - they need be ok with me just taking off randomly with little to no advance notice and/or working my own hours - or otherwise them just being ok with me showing up to help when I can.  Some folks might be like why not just enjoy all that free time - it isn't so simple especially having no one to care for..... well if you read what I wrote on working that is a huge part of why but also it is difficult having experienced so much negative stuff to motivate myself when only myself is at stake - now why care for others more?  Ask any woman!  LOL  We are notorious care takers LOL.... like almost to the point where we all should attend CODA for a while to get out of our heads the notion we should take care of others first when that is backasswards thinking.    Clearly, logically if one cannot care for oneself one cannot competently care for others but it goes deeper than that somehow.  I have seen men at CODA (co-dependents anonymous) meetings but women way out number them.  As far as I am concerned everyone should live according to Big Book (AA handbook) principles - they are simple and clean and well stated and just really good rules to live by (I am not referring to the steps - the book outlines a way of living that is highly intelligent and ethical) - a most exceptional book!  I think even children should have to read it and it is alot shorter and less complicated than any religious documents which are super difficult to get folks to agree on and hugely complicated.

Ok done with notes on my notes LOL