Love and marriage (and death and ended relationships)

 

"In regards to long time friendships: If your long time friend moves on, distances or just lives a new life, we must RADICALLY ACCEPT it. It hurts, we emotionally don't understand (especially if there's no conversation about it... you just guess and guess and hang on) it just hurts you. It causes unessesary suffering. It's painful, yes. But there's no need to suffer. Open your hands, palms up and say, "I radically accept that so and so has moved on and it has nothing to do with me." It's more freeing than hurting constantly. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO SUFFER!" a quote from one of my sister's long term buddies and I needed to hear it.

I spent hours on the phone last night with an old super close friend wherein we HAD to end it. Both of us being crazy as loons Melody with schizoaffective disorder marked by bipolar. We had just both of us gone through about 3 years of near deadly trauma. I lost my mom (which was expected) then my fiance (wholly unexpected and took all of us by surprise and basically ended my future plans). She had just lost her father to Alzheimers which was particularly painful for her as he had continued to be her hero lifelong and Alzheimers a horrid disease to have to deal with for family and friends. Plus I had one of my best buddies, Thomas, just up and split on me 3 months after RD (real name of fiance but not gonna give it fully plus he is dead and not going to suffer for me using his real name) passed after us talking on and off all day everyday for 3 years or so. I HAD been too dependent on him and he had failed to warn me that I was causing him distress - merely said I am whinny - I complain too much which still blows my mind as who is not complainy after losing a fiance 3 days after him asking me about marriage and buying a 3rd home maybe maybe not selling our individual homes and discussing wills, taxes and the future. He wished to retire at 62 which didn't seem unreasonable as a job as a long haul trucker is a pretty tough one - too high stress, too much time sitting, too much time alone. Even with all that he had been good at eating well, exercising, taking meds correctly etc and strong as an ox! It just came as such a complete surprise. I am so happy I had met him and we had fallen in love .... well we called each other soul twins not soul mates in that we had an unbelievable amount in common. People reassure me that he is waiting for me and that he wanted not to leave and one medium said I haven't long to wait to be with him which is a sort of dire thing to say. Several folks have claimed to see him near me always over my left shoulder and it is trippy as I have zero experience with ghosts. I have gotten feelings from him and heard him clearing his throat but nothing more and not even sure that wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me which it is decidedly good at doing. But Thomas had been a HUGE part of my support system so that him not supporting me thru the loss of RD was JUST as traumatic even though we had truly just been friends - it was a kinda odd situation but it had worked for both of us up until RD passed!!

Anyway Melody and I ended poorly with her thinking I manipulated all kinds of stuff that I just plain didn't. And me telling her she is hurting me physically cuz the stress of taking on her problems on top of mine was dangerously raising my BP and other PTSD type symptoms that I was getting just at the thought of her because of a number of reasons not super important. I bring her up cuz she is on my mind constantly and I feel awful about the situation. We are not only not helpful to each other currently we are causing each other damage but of course it is all my fault LOL. God forbid it be what actually happened which is we are both beaten down by enormous losses coming too close together both of us being literally certified insane and the combo being an untenable situation for me anyway and now I do believe she quite literally hates me which is SUCH a shame when I had tried so very hard to make her life not quite so difficult but was not only not successful I do believe I caused things to be worse for her but certainly not on purpose but me deluding myself into thinking I was being helpful when I was not. Now how's that for a run on sentence LOL.

This blog will need to be massively edited to create the autobiography and why I am bothering with blogging is to get used to being consistent about writing and to practice writing and to probe my memory as best I can before sitting down to actually write the book. Also I truly could die any time here and I wish to get this out first. Ok But she also had been a HUGE part of my support system and so losing all the main players in my life just in the last few years has been like getting hit by a Mack Truck. I am so incredibly traumatized by all this going down so back to back to back yet oddly I find all this silence in terms that I am a genuine hermit and had only these folks as regular players (there a couple others who I am super close with my sis and my bff Jolene of course but who are both SUPER busy so haven't time for me). But as I was saying it is odd and not terribly bad to find myself almost completely and utterly alone in comparison to what had been a relatively good amount of interaction and finding that I am actually better off on my own minus of course RD who I truly had intended on spending the rest of my life with and who was a cause of happiness in my life not drama but easy to get along with and rational and highly motivated and just a SUPER good person to have as a lover or husband - I hadn't yet fully thought out the marriage plan but the very day I told my sis RD and I were thinking marriage and buying a home together was the very day he died.

I guess that all was pretty much a jumble but I shall straighten it out in the end LOL.

Vision at 6 and sexual orientation at 7

(I am the red head - dyed obviously - naturally a blond, now gone white)

  When I was 6 I had a vision of sorts of what my life would be like as an adult.  Where it came from is unknown to me as it had info that just wasn't available to me that young in it.  I was to be a monk in a cave that had herbs hanging to dry from the ceiling and I created medicines for my people and I dispensed advise to folks.  In the "vision" I was a hermit and folks ONLY came to me for advice or medicine and not for social reasons.  In my vision people would travel far to do so.  So to my child brain I was pretty darn powerful and successful at this.  Well by the time I was even 10 that idea of what my life would be like I no longer even believed in.  Rather at 10 I was thinking I would be a famous singer LOL.  And by the time I was about 13 I had fully bought the american dream (2.5 kids, house, two car garage, picket fence, thriving career, two week vacation a year, yada yada yada) as what my future would be like and I knew not which career I would choose but was on board working hard and playing hard and being successful at such and that is what I started working towards and nearly achieved.  

Yet here I am a hermit who does aromatherapy and herbalism but who dispenses it to no one (save in soap lotions salves and other bath products) but myself as I don't trust myself enough to treat others' diseases despite the fact that I am actually trained - literally at a school - in aromatherapy.  I just think one should have a firm grasp on how to diagnose a person before one dispenses any kind of medicine (essential oils are so powerful that using them is rather risky) so I only use the herbs and essential oils on me (well I treated my mom for cracked lips with a balm that had highly antibacterial and antiviral essential oils in addition to high end fats and things like lecithn to help with dry and cracking lips as well as lotions for dry skin and an antibacterial room spray - she suffered from schleraderma - rheumatoid problem and I have fibromyalgia and had had lupus for about a decade before it magically went away which is supremely lucky as I had been unable to walk without a walker the pain in my joints so severe but now can walk about 20 minutes sans the walker without too terribly much pain , but after that still tons of pain but the lupus has cleared from my blood so not sure what is going on and no dr seems able to figure it out either).  

In the vision too I knew who was Gandhi and I wished to emulate him as an adult and have been all about nonviolence my entire life (despite actually hitting a couple folks LOL - still the value system I fully am on board with so that when I have been attacked the vast majority of the time I have not fought back - but not 100% of the time so to me while I fully believe nonviolence is the way to go I am hardly perfect at it and nowhere near as influential or creative in problem solving as Gandhi obviously LOL  - we need another guy or gal like that to come along rather badly right now!!!)  But how would I even know what monks do or about being a hermit and herbalism or Gandhi at age 6?  There was nothing remotely like that on TV back that long ago where we only had like 5 channels and there was not stuff like that on any show and while I could read they were children's books mostly that young and my parents hadn't said anything about herbalism - my dad didn't even do that but did grow herbs for cooking so where came all this info??

Much later in life I witnessed a guy in a wheelchair having an enlightenment experience - it was plain as day - all the sudden his face lit up and he was able to walk and talk and he said I was meant to be a nun and I understood him perfectly - he meant that I was not to marry and that my main focus was to be spirituality not that I am to become a literal nun plus I caught a tad of that experience (which it is not unusual for folks to catch a bit of the experience when someone near them physically is having an enlightenment experience and why it has been throughout history that people are very moved by someone in that state - I used to have a notebook with the names of folks who had these experiences - they are rather rare - and poetry they had written etc like Joan of Arc for instance had a few enlightenment experiences - anyway I could kick myself for losing it!!!)  he was having and it was plain he wasn't trying to be rude or that he was out of his head or anything like that.  He wasn't even trying to convince me rather he was just reminding me of that and trying to be helpful.

Well and at 7 I knew that I was bi and I ardently believe people are born with their sexual identity and orientation in place - ie: one doesn't choose to be straight or gay or trans as who in their right mind would choose to be something that is soooo stigmatized (but exists in every culture known to man) and will cause them so much distress the rest of their lives.  Being bi for a female isn't a terribly compromised position as say being a man and gay or bi but I did live with a girlfriend for 13 years and we did encounter a bit of nastiness here and there from folks - most especially from my own family which I was just furious with about.  For instance my sister didn't wish her kids to know that I was bi and my mother flat out refused to take Sheila with us on vacation and not because she didn't like her but because it would be confusing to my sister's kids - which to this day to me is outrageous and wrong headed but it is what it is.  I created a facebook page just so that I could be myself without discrimination from my own family and it is still going strong now just shy of 10,000 page likes (not post reactions mind which is in the 100s of thousands).  

 

Notes on my Notes

 Ya know I haven't been thinking well critically either.  So maybe it was just age with my parents - they didn't have us til my mom was 30 and my dad 32 and then for my sis 33 and 35 so by the time I was a teen they were mid to late 40s - you'd think they'd be in their prime.  Also one therapist pointed out that my mom's level of denial is indicative of her having been a victim in the past and that I was unaware of it simply cuz being her child it wouldn't be appropriate.  Both my parents were much of the time silent - which is wise - I am not tho so there you have it I am not wise LOL.  So when I comment on personality disorders or anything for that matter ... well I am being honest but one should only take away from this what is useful to oneself and not focus on anything that seems less than fully thought out (also personality disorders include narcissism and psychopathic PD and sociopathic PD which many are criminal or otherwise don't think there is anything wrong with them so PDs cover a rather broad area so a few comments are almost meaningless on that) or even if you don't care to deal with whatever the subject happens to be - if ever it should become something you've an interest in then it can always be revisited and not just by yourself but multiple not a single source and of course throw some real science in there (if you can find legit stuff - ie:  alot of what is written online is bs - so called experts writing on stuff they haven't the first clue about - found that out trying to research aromatherapy - took going to a school to find out the vast majority of stuff on that subject written online is opinion - and not good ones - and sometimes hugely dangerously bad info not just misinformation but stuff that can cause you harm and so I suggest taking the free course at the very least at aromaticstudies.com if you ever want to get into that plus know upfront alot of what you may wish to use is toxic to your pets - just a word of warning :) like do not use baking soda spiked with lavender or citrus essential oils if you have pets to deoderize your carpets - course the stuff with man engineered chemicals in them may be just as bad - stick with like idk rosemary I think is fine for most pets but not basil or winter savory or sage ...well a bunch LOL and not easy info to find either which are ok for pets and which not - as far as I am aware burning white ceremonial sage is not toxic to pets tho the essential oil you have to be super careful with even with humans who are accustomed to eating it every thanksgiving.... well American humans anyways LOL)  

Ok back to story telling LOL.  They are true stories tho and so it is anxiety provoking to write about them but I figured I just got to get it out there in the hopes it may somehow, someday help someone.  I am feeling my life was/is a huge mistake (but my perceptions change with my mood which changes often so sometimes I think I am here for very good reasons LOL) - I guess my way of contributing has to be artistic in nature as a job is clean out of the question even a volunteer job is iffy - they need be ok with me just taking off randomly with little to no advance notice and/or working my own hours - or otherwise them just being ok with me showing up to help when I can.  Some folks might be like why not just enjoy all that free time - it isn't so simple especially having no one to care for..... well if you read what I wrote on working that is a huge part of why but also it is difficult having experienced so much negative stuff to motivate myself when only myself is at stake - now why care for others more?  Ask any woman!  LOL  We are notorious care takers LOL.... like almost to the point where we all should attend CODA for a while to get out of our heads the notion we should take care of others first when that is backasswards thinking.    Clearly, logically if one cannot care for oneself one cannot competently care for others but it goes deeper than that somehow.  I have seen men at CODA (co-dependents anonymous) meetings but women way out number them.  As far as I am concerned everyone should live according to Big Book (AA handbook) principles - they are simple and clean and well stated and just really good rules to live by (I am not referring to the steps - the book outlines a way of living that is highly intelligent and ethical) - a most exceptional book!  I think even children should have to read it and it is alot shorter and less complicated than any religious documents which are super difficult to get folks to agree on and hugely complicated.

Ok done with notes on my notes LOL

  

An Ego the size of Texas (if you haven't heard they DO big there)

When I turned 17 my mom insisted I see a shrink (psychiatrist).  She, having worked with them long term, was aware they don't give serious diagnoses nor medication to those under 17 otherwise I likely would have seen them sooner.  She, the shrink that is, diagnosed me bipolar.  I disagreed with the diagnosis so saw another shrink and he came back at me with the same answer.  So for the first couple years I fought with them as to whether that diagnosis was correct.  I had them do an MMPI test on me and it came back as bipolar.  Shoot it is a darn good thing I wasn't diagnosed one of the other things I thought more likely, like schitzotypal or borderline personality disorders, as it turns out personality disorders are almost not treatable - there are no meds that I am aware of that treat personality disorders which are basically character flaws so bad they make it hard to work or have successful relationships.  But usually symptoms are somewhat treatable so they would likely prescribe some anti-anxiety medicine or perhaps an antidepressant if they were suffering which one would being unable to work or have successful relationships so still one would send them to a shrink - nevertheless long term rehabilitation/recovery is kinda out - although with most folks who have bipolar 1 with psychotic features recovery is pretty much out as well.  And we all can progress of course.  I am certainly not saying one is doomed if diagnosed with a personality disorder just that it is gonna be a battle which most mental illnesses are anyway (one CAN fully recover from major depression and there are of course success stories for folks with any mental illness - we're all snow-flakes afterall - referring here to uniqueness not lack of courage LOL).

Funny thing, my mother had been an occupational therapist who worked with addicts and alcoholics.  Tis funny because my father was a drunk who died of alcoholism.  I remember sooo many dirty looks exchanged between him and her in the morning as he poured a glass about 2/3rds full of vodka and 1/3rd full of OJ for breakfast - tis both hilarious and not at all something to laugh at!!  My poor dad HAD to have either depression or bipolar.  My family thinks not but one has to be self-medicating to drink the amount that he did.  He would follow that breakfast by working (he was a very functional alcoholic) then at lunch a bottle of wine and in the afternoon a 6 pack of beer and then in the evening a 5th of bourbon sometimes more - basically until he passed out.  I can fully appreciate why he did that and have understood him all along and carry no resentment about it as I related to him more than anyone else in our small family.  He was largely silent but I could make him scream at me.  My sis and mom were constantly telling me to stop arguing with someone who is drunk and they were right - likely he didn't remember telling me he could not believe I had come from the seed of his loins I was such a stupid slut.  I don't recall what we were arguing about but it wasn't my IQ nor my sex life (I never got old enough to discuss those things with him over a beer as he died when I was only 25 and just google it yourself if you don't believe me but women are not fully mature until about age 35 and men not until about 45 yet they die earlier so we only get them a short time grrrr - like every parent has said life just isn't fair - but arguable if you believe in things like karma) - still I will likely not ever forget those words.

My father had been an interior designer for hotels/restaurants (he had a degree in architecture which is required for designers but not interior decorators and owned his own business which was pretty successful - we certainly never wanted for anything).  I worked for him my 19th year as a sort of secretary/assistant and how I know his drinking  schedule.  I doubt my sis or my mom knew just HOW MUCH he actually drank but it was from when you get up to when you go to bed and despite having many hobbies (in addition to the rabbits and quail and garden and yogurt and preserves and jellies etc etc he also hunted, camped, liked to fish, he played around with stuff in his garage which we being girls weren't taught a thing about tools and not  allowed to go into the back of the garage only the front laundry area but you name it in terms of boy stuff he did it.  He was an artist too.  Somewhere there HAS GOT to be a self-portrait of his which was so unique he used it almost like a signature - of course no one thought to keep one he did it so often.  He dabbled in carpentry, painting, all things artsy I guess.  He made beer not very well and wine not half bad - I actually had parties as a teen where my parents either provided alcohol or just pretended they were unaware we drank all his wine.  One guy actually passed out in the back yard and was there the next morning!  Oh ya they were super strict LOL  Funny cuz they would seem the kind of parents that would be but looking back they just were out to lunch or i don't know what - not thinking critically very well despite them both being quite bright.  By that I mean they were conservative not just politically but dress-wise and mannerisms and all kinds of ways - people might think they were a bit uptight - maybe they were still tired from raising me - my sis actually thanks me for teaching her how not to go about life/things.  I taught her what to avoid and she has done an amazing job avoiding any kind of misadventure, an RN with 4 kids, lovely hubby and lives herself most conservatively although unlike my parents while not strict definitely waaaay more so than my parents.  They are just more overall aware which maybe she can thank me for that too LOL  (This is going to be the most egotistical work on the planet it is looking like hahahaha.)

why work is soooo important

(Paintings of mine)

Ok as lovely as Drake is I am going to flip the switch and change direction.  I somehow started working at age 15.  I had to get school permission but it also gave me credit for it.  I guess my mom drove me.  I wonder at people all the time as to how do they do so much!!  Now I have time but nothing to do which is the worst case scenario.  People think folks take advantage of welfare (which is not what I am on but follow me here) but these people haven't the foggiest notion what they are doing to themselves if they are indeed taking advantage of the system.  First off let's just look at stats:  90 something percent of folks born poor die poor.  Same is true for middle class and rich folks..  We learn this stuff soooo young that there isn't much chance of changing one's viewpoint.  If you grow up hearing how this is the best way of getting by then it isn't going to change when someone years later points out that this is illogical - even if they agree with you logically as we don't make our decisions based on logic like people think we do - rather our decisions are made by our mammalian brain which is what houses mostly emotions  - they aren't going to understand it based on the cognitive disonance it's going to create in one's head.   Read BEHAVE by Robert Sapolski - he goes over the neurobiology plus it is an excellent source book and highly entertaining as the man is very humorous and he has a great reputation has been around since I was in college 30+ years ago and a relatively easy read for laymen.  

Working doesn't just supply one with money which is almost but not quite tangential (logically anyway communism should work and it's a lovely notion but we haven't seen it be successful largely due to greed).  It supplies you with sooo many rewards the list is too long to tell of them all but let's just start with the fact that working will help you sleep at night because you will be tired.  It provides you with some socialization without which people lose their minds - quite literally.  If one has never earned their way then one doesn't reach any kind of satisfaction that will lead to self-actualization so that one is taking themselves out of the whole purpose of even being here.  So we're talking on every level from the smallest thing (as if sleep is no big deal) to the whole point of life and everything in between.  If you never learned this from having seen it then one may not even be able to understand my last statement even on a logical much less an emotional level.

So when people get angry at the system for either not helping enough - it would be a good thing to require training and placing people in jobs as one receives the money until that time then stop the money and let them either swim or sink because that is going to happen anyway.  Or when people complain the government is providing too much help - the question is not how much money to give out but rather does that in any way help as a good case can be made that it actually hinders folks in life not helps them (teach a man to fish don't give them fish - it's fairly simple actually).

 

Before I became so  bloody ill/disabled I FULLY appreciated being able to cash a paycheck - it feels good - it is highly satisfactory.  I had been able to work and support myself long enough that I got a good taste of that and I miss it so horribly that I have trouble now having gone so long without it knowing the value of a dollar.  Well and learning that one is good at something even without getting paid is itself hugely satisfactory in that it is the basis for self-respect, confidence, ability to learn and grow... I could go on ad neaseum on this.  Bottom line is it is silly to blame these folks as they are a product of their dna plus environment - as much as we think we have free will it IS limited by one's world view in that if you can't see an option it isn't really there.

All of the above might be a bit much to take in at once if you don't immediately understand and agree then come back to this later and re-read it. ( Please??!!!)

The end with Drake

OK back tracking again.  When Drake and I were about 14/15 we went roller skating darn near every weekend.  My sister tagged along and I had no issue with that and Drake was very kind to my little sis and the fact that she still loves him today as do I is testiment to how great we think this man is.  Anyway there was always at least one break in the skating to dance and we always caught a crowd watching us (mostly him) break dancing as he was really good at it spinning round and round on his head LOL.  It was a crazy way to dance - still is - more like a sport as it requires lots of practice and skill to do.  We even tried out for a commercial once but didn't make it in - still it was grand fun.  Later when I had my car we would go do the same but on Hollywood Blvd and then no my little sister wasn't with us and we stayed out late and again just lots of fairly clean fun.  

One time he and Carine and I went to the drive in movies with the thought of a three way and we did just that but I think Drake got a bit jealous (and me frankly a little annoyed) that Carine paid more attention to me than him by quite a lot.  But that was fun too - probably alcohol was involved.  I could buy alcohol without a problem because I started looking like an adult when just a child and by the time 14 could easily pass for 18 and while the law was one could only buy if over 21 many gas stations and minimarts in Los Angeles weren't so strict about the law - but that was rather quite a long time ago.  

Drake remembers us breaking up a bunch of times and me being fit to be tied at him dating other women but I haven't any memory of that.  To me we were vastly contented with each other although we did have some mighty big rows - we were kids after all and I started manifesting mental illness at 9 months of age (I never slept basically - I could walk, talk and get out of my crib by that time without help and I would knock on their door - which they put an extra lock on just because of me and my ability to get in - until about 2am then sleep at the door on the floor until about 6am only to start banging on the door again plus I took zero naps - poor things.  I asked my mother before she died when she knew I was different and she sweetly said she knew I was special from the day I was born LOL - she might have been the denial queen but she was mighty witty).  

I will likely never forget the time i pissed him off so bad he threatened suicide then scared the pants off me because somewhere in the house I heard the gun go off.  I threw up then ran around looking for him.  I guess he just shot into the air as he hadn't a mark on him and I was too relieved to be angry at him anymore or at least not near as much anyway.  We went through all kinds of stuff during our 5 years together and I was stupid enough to leave this man because I had slightly outgrown him psychologically/mentally at 18 and also was looking to have some fun in college.  I basically left because I could not listen to one more minute of what I considered conspiracy theory - but I'd bet money he outgrew that stage where he was obsessed with that within a year - if only I had waited him out.  Oh well.  Love you Drake!!  Hands down the healthiest I have ever been both mentally and physically and the happiest I have been so consistently were the years I was with him.

Drake and I and break dancing

 

(painting of mine)

I met Drake when I was 13.  I don't recall how we met - very likely at the ranch although I have no specific memory of him riding horses.  We didn't go to the same school nor did we live in the same neighborhood but for me at least it was love straight out of the gate.  I don't even recall breaking up with Roland but we must have or maybe I did to be with Drake.  In any case we had THE most fun and he was SUCH a generous lover (I was sexualized at a very young age so that it is not very unusual that I would be interested in that part of me being loved instead of abused).  I lost my virginity more technically to him not Mr Darning at age 14.  That was kinda funny in that right afterwards (but not before LOL) I worried about pregnancy and he gave me one of his sisters' douches (which if I had had a proper education I would have known you use it before not after sex if you're looking to avoid pregnancy and I didn't know how to use it and ended up a mess calling for Drake's help which he was kind enough to not laugh at me as he was at least somewhat more experienced than I and maybe even by a long shot - we never discussed his prior sex life that I recall).  He seemed anyway to know what he was doing and I fully trusted him - we had been together a year before we decided to "go there".  But after that I became uncaring if I got pregnant and we had sex regularly without any kind of birth control.  

His family was a good bit different than mine in that he was allowed to do just about anything he wished without so much as asking or even informing his parents as to what he was up to. One time when we were about 16 we went camping the good old fashioned way meaning no toilets no water no premade up camp ground but rather we hiked in water and supplies deep into the Sakoia Mountains where the trees are humongous and it was absolutely beautiful and we only saw one other couple the entire week we were there.  We spent a lot of time at this one area in the river where the rocks were smooth from having water constantly running over them and we slid on them like slides at a pool and there were also these mini whirl pools where the water had dug into the rock deep and made holes that caused the water to swirl around them and was so much fun being twirled around while standing in them - we did a lot of it nude LOL.  Funny Drake like any boy/man felt it his duty to care for my safety and he brought a 38 in case of bears was his excuse but we saw no bears while there or if we did I don't recall it - he didn't even use the gun so we were never in any real danger.  Well except there were signs all over saying do not feed the squirrels as they carried the plague of all things (I wonder if they still do). 

It was all a big adventure and just lovely sitting at night by the fire eating and watching the stars and making love under them.  One of the best times of my life.  He was kind and intelligent and funny and cute and just rocked my world.  And so the years went by - at first he would ride a dirt bike the 7 miles to my house to see me every single day impressing my whole family.  Even my dad who could be a serious ass when he wished to be finally fell in love with Drake as did my sis and my mom.  He later spent much time staying the night in the guest room (which of course we used copiously LOL).  He was a fabulous break dancer.  He could jump right over me standing up straight.  We went to every dance my school held which were quite a lot and I still have the photos where you can see the clothes styles and hair styles evolving throughout the years.  At one point I had a hair cut that made me look very like Princess Diana.  We made great use of the car my parents gave me which was kinda crushing in that my Papa had promised me a cherry red Camaro that he showed me and was spotless but he rode it around and despite putting concrete in the trunk he said the car was still too front heavy for a girl to drive (grrrrr lol) instead I ended with an old light blue 4 door cadillac my parents had had about enough of.  Even before I got the car we would regularly make trips via bus to magic mountain just to dance and to disneyland and the beach and all over my parents never saying much about it.  I got good grades so they largely stayed out of my way but my mother either didn't care or was blind to my antics as I spent little time in school after I switched from private to public and now had a car - instead I went to the beach about 3 days a week to work on a tan.  I didn't even try to hide the sand or bathing suits and was never questioned as to when I found time to go to the beach so often.  The ironic thing is I remember being angry that they were so strict - I guess I didn't know the meaning of the word LOL.  The one time I was truly very harshly punished (no phone calls no visiting friends no horseback riding no tv - all I was allowed to do is study and listen to music and swim for 6 weeks!!)  is when I purposely failed a history class at the Catholic school (I had been pushing hard for over a year to be moved to public school - the kids at the Catholic school were stuck up and made fun of kids that didn't come from more money.  My family was a comfortable upper middle class so I didn't get picked on but I stood up for one boy who got bullied pretty badly simply for being there on a scholarship.  Also they would do drugs and argue   who came from the richest family - they just made me ill and I wanted out badly to be with kids who were more regular (turns out there ain't no such thing - at the public school kids got bullied too just for different reasons.)  I'll come back to Drake soon.  

When I was 16 a girlfriend of mine and I were cleaning the house of her father's friend who had just bought it and it was a dusty mess.  Well first off I am bi and so was she and we were both fairly good looking and we just weren't careful or wise enough to know how dangerous was that situation what with the man continually giving us margaritas while we worked and then insisting we join him in the hot tub when we were done.  She and I were showing off flirting with each other and we DID know that was attractive even if we didn't know that it would go as sour as it did.  It was bad judgment in league with a bad man that got me hurt.  I got out of the hot tub cuz now I was woozy with booze and the heat and excused myself to go change.   I went and got my stuff and went in the bathroom and stupidly didn't lock the door.  He walks in while my bikini top was off and starts groping and kissing me - I still wasn't terribly worried and figured he was just drunk (bad  habit of mine to this day is making excuses for others' bad behavior) and so I gently pushed him away explaining that I had a boyfriend but he had put his leg behind mine and he pushed me.  Unable to back up I simply landed hard and fast on my back on the floor and then he was all power and I was all out of any kind of control of the situation.  He ripped off my bottoms and forced my legs apart (which is surprisingly painful) and raped me.  I guess I had been screaming because Carine was banging at the door claiming she was going to call the cops but she only called my mom, explained we had too much to drink and could she please come pick us up.  

Well and now is the truly odd part - my mind made a sort of flip like the turning on of a light and I got on top of him and had sex with him until he was finished.  Several minutes later we were all in the kitchen and Carine was crying.  I was out to lunch and banging my head against the wall.  He started to freak a bit as I think he finally realized he had created quite a mess that he could get into a lot of hot water over.  His cure for the problem was to give me cocaine.  I had never had any before and despite him telling me how to do it I blew out instead of sucking in air through my nose and sent a bunch flying.  He repeated the instructions, made another line and the second attempt was successful and it actually worked.  I went from silent almost to the point of catatonic to talking my head off about anything and everything and cheerful and no longer in pain.  The next day Carine was crying hysterically in my car apologizing over and over again and I said she was being ridiculous as I had NOT been raped.  She argued with me very hard and much that indeed I had been but my memory was completely wiped of everything that happened in that bathroom save me on top of him and us merely having sex (as if 16 yr old girls normally have sex with 40 something year old men we don't know - OR that I would EVER cheat on Drake my mind seemed to have no issue with the contradictions there but truly I only remembered having sex and I didn't recover the memory for 11 yrs where when this stupid guy I was dating insisted I list all the men I had had sex with and when I got to him my mind just opened up like a tsunami and all the info came forth all at once.   I was so bowled over by the fact that I could have forgotten that and for so long that I didn't have any emotion attached to the information like as if it happened to someone else.  I was stunned and here was this arse calling me a liar and that I couldn't have been raped.  I just laughed at the absurdity of the entire situation and didn't talk to him anymore on the subject but went silent.  I wasn't traumatized by the new info but I would hazard to guess that I had been traumatized rather badly by the event and the whole getting through it my mind went through subconsciously without my help.